Professional Advice from a Licensed Dog
Is this social distancing as hard on dogs as on us Giants? When I take Edde, my big goof, on a stroll, I keep six feet from other dog walkers. They keep six feet from me. Edde cuts that in half by lunging. So does the opposing dog. So what’s that now, like seven, eight inches apart? It’s exhausting. And a lot of math!
How are you staying in contact with your fellow Canines? Do you find Zoom useful, or is lack of thumbs a hindrance? Large keypads are available.
Hope to see you in the chat room.
Wash your paws!
Dennis and Edde, both big goofs
Dear Big Goofs,
This pandemic reminds us that Canines and Giants have much in common besides Netflix. We are gregarious, social animals that need to interact with our own kind. Both species are vulnerable to despair without familiar contact, without friendly communication, without ravioli stuffed with ricotta.
For Giants, Zoom is arguably the greatest communications advancement since yelling. Zoom is an easy, reliable cloud platform for video and audio conferencing, collaboration, chat, and webinars across mobile devices, desktops, telephones, and room systems, as I understand it.
OK, I don’t understand it. It’s written on this card my unpaid intern Per Se just handed me. Well, read to me. I don’t understand writing either.
What I do understand is that shelter-in-place Giants unaccustomed to life in…The Shelter…use Zoom to reach out to other Giants if only to say, “Wait! What does this button—” before suddenly disconnecting.
However, the communications tools offered to Canines by the Zoom corporation are no better than what’s available at any publicly traded dog park.
LABRADOODLE: “Can you hear me over there? I can hear you! So, can you hear me?”
BORDER COLLIE: “I can hear you!”
LABRADOODLE: “Great! Well then… Hi!”
BORDER COLLIE: “You should come over here. There’s this fabulous tree!”
LABRADOODLE: “My Giant won’t let me get closer. You might have the Crow-banana Vices. The Cro-Magnon Verses. You know, that thing we’ll catch unless we stay in the basement behind the furnace?”
TERRIER: “I can catch it! I can kill it! Even if it burrows in the garden.”
LABRADOODLE: “Oh, hi! Can you hear me?”
BORDER COLLIE: “C’mere! You won’t believe this tree—”
TERRIER: “Can’t. Giant here has me on the short leash. And the Choke Collar of Servitude.”
STANDARD POODLE: “Me too! It’s like puppy school all over again.”
LABRADOODLE: “Oh, hi! Can you hear me?”
STANDARD POODLE: “Don’t know. Did you say anything?”
BORDER COLLIE: “I can not herd under these conditions.
STANDARD POODLE: “So… How’s everybody’s butts?”
BORDER COLLIE: “Nothing new to report.”
TERRIER: “Same old, same old.”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “Hey, sorry I’m late. My Yelly Giant was having technical issues with Zoom. What’d I miss?”
STANDARD POODLE: “Just the butts update. Oh, and he’s having audio problems.”
LABRADOODLE: “Hi! Can you hear—”
BORDER COLLIE: “I’ve a PowerPoint presentation. It’s on this tree over here.”
STANDARD POODLE: “What’s this Zoom? My Giants are giving it a lot of attention.”
TERRIER: “Mine too! I think Zoom’s a puppy.”
STANDARD POODLE: “A puppy with technical issues?”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “Well, it lives in their laptop.”
TERRIER: “How come we never see this puppy?”
All ponder quietly.
BORDER COLLIE: “He’s shy?”
LABRADOODLE: “Poor little guy. I’ll bet he could hear me!”
BORDER COLLIE: “Those Giants should bring him to the dog park. Show him this tree.”
MALTESE: “I can make that happen. I’m a lap dog. He’s in a laptop. Twinsies!”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “That makes sense.”
BORDER COLLIE: “So, let’s meet this pup—what’s his name? Zoom? Bring him here tomorrow. By this tree.”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “Sure! I’ll make my Giants walk him outside the laptop.”
TERRIER: (Muttering) Probably on a short leash. And spiked collar.”
LABRADOODLE: “I think you all can hear me now! So… Bye!”
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