On May 1st, a reporter from The New York Times interviewed “Stan” (not his real name), a Horseshoe bat that claims to have initiated the COVID-19 pandemic. The interview took place in a cave on the outskirts of Huanggang, a city in China’s Hubei province. The Times plans to publish the interview on May 10th, but HumorOutcasts has obtained a pirated copy of the transcript that our sources indicate is accurate. We present it here for our readers:
NYT: “Why don’t we start with your account of what happened?”
Stan: “Actually, there’s not much to tell. I saw a guy shopping at the Hunan Seafood Market in Wuhan — a ‘wet market’. He had just purchased a 10-piece bucket of deep-fried Bamboo rats with curly fries and was walking down the street at dusk. I swooped down and bit his neck, which was exposed. It was all pretty random.”
NYT: “Why, exactly, did you bite him?”
Stan: “As I said, it was pretty random. I just felt like it. This is what we do. We’re bats.”
NYT: “Do you feel any guilt over starting this pandemic, which has taken hundreds of thousands of lives around the world?”
Stan: “No.”
NYT: “No?”
Stan: “Is there some part of the word ‘no’ you don’t understand?”
NYT: “But….”
Stan: “OK, please pay attention. Humans treat bats like crap. You insist that we’re just about the ugliest creatures on the planet, and this is a planet that includes manatees. How would you like it if your kids grew up thinking that they were repulsive to look at? Bat babies have zero self-esteem, and it drops to below-zero by the time they reach adulthood. No mammal is more stigmatized than a bat. Why do you think we stay inside all day? Trust me, living in a cave sucks. It’s dark and damp, and the cellphone coverage is horrible. I’m sorry, but to treat us with such contempt after all we do for you……”
NYT: “What is it that you do for us?”
Stan: “Do your homework, dipshit. Every night we consume mosquitoes by the billions; if we didn’t, those humming little bastards would be feasting on you.”
NYT: “So, is this all about you exacting revenge on the human race?”
Stan: “No, but I can certainly understand why you would believe that, given the way you disrespect us. How do you think we feel when you use a phrase like ‘bat-shit crazy’? Or, ‘you’ve gone bats’?”
NYT: “But what about Batman? He’s one of our superheroes!”
Stan: “I swear to God, I’m going to bite you if you keep this up. Batman is nothing more than a steroid-drenched adolescent fantasy. He would poop his pants in a nanosecond if he ever found himself in a real Batcave.”
NYT: “Fine, let’s move on. What are your plans for after the pandemic? You can’t hide out here forever.”
Stan: “No, I can’t. I have a cousin in Kentucky and will probably fly there at some point over the summer. He lives in an abandoned barn outside of Campbellsville with his second wife, a spotted owl. The barn is clean, and they have cable.”
NYT: “Final question: Isn’t there at least a little part of you that regrets starting all of this?”
Stan: “Give it a rest, Waldo. A single season of The Bachelorette or The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills does more damage to the human race than a dozen pandemics. Watching just one episode of that dreck can lower your IQ by up to 12 points. You should be talking to the folks who produce those travesties, not me. It’s time for you and your neck to get out of here.”