Surprising virtually no one, President Donald Trump issued a full pardon to Satan yesterday. “The Prince of Darkness should have been let out of Hell decades ago,” claimed the President. “He was framed for a penny-ante drug offense by a God Almighty who felt threatened by Satan’s ambition and good looks. The charge was total bulls**t!”
For his part, Satan expressed gratitude for the President’s action, stating, “I’ve always felt a special bond with this man. Lots of people can talk a good game when it comes to evil, but Donald Trump’s behavior — day after day — shows that undiluted wickedness is his bone marrow. He’s the real deal.”
Satan has been offered a job as a Walmart store greeter in Enid, Oklahoma, and is expected to begin working there in mid-January. “If he’s good — I mean, if he’s bad — Satan is likely to be promoted to a middle-management position by the end of the summer,” according to company spokesperson Felicity Plange.