Unless you’re one of those organisms like the bdelloid rotifer that gave up sex forty million years ago because of their kids’ early-morning hockey games, sexual intercourse is an essential element of your marriage. As Sigmund Freud once said, “Sex is the oil-and-lube job that keeps the motor of marriage running smoothly.” Or maybe that was Richard Petty.
Freud and Petty: When you close your eyes, you can’t tell them apart.
Any marriage can go stale without variety, say relationship specialists. “Sure the Mongolian Cartwheel is exciting the first time,” says fictitious marriage counselor Sheryl Marchant, “but do it every Saturday night for 18 years and you run out of the yaks and Strawberry Twizzlers that are essential to this difficult position.”
“The yak tickled me!”
That’s where role-playing comes in. By imagining yourself and your spouse to be someone (or something) other than the humdrum partners who’ve made love a thousand times before, you can re-energize a sex life that has become, in the words that caused Diane von Furstenberg to dump her first husband, “like the right hand touching the left.”
von Furstenberg: “Let me get this straight. You’re comparing me to your hand?”
Here are a few role-playing exercises that are guaranteed to make your bedroom a honeymoon suite all over again:
Game Warden and Endangered Species: There’s no touch quite so loving as a member of your state’s Fish and Game Department as he carries a wounded badger or garfish to safety.
Record-setting garfish: “I caught him and he’s mine!”
Sample dialogue to get you started follows:
HUSBAND (as he enters bedroom): “I sure hope no poachers have violated the federal Endangered Species Act in this secluded forest glen . . .”
WIFE: (jumps out from behind door dressed as Kodiak bear): GARRRRAGARRAR!
Required equipment: Bear costume, Smokey the Bear hat.
Trophy Wife and Pool Boy: In gated communities across America, bored trophy wives sit idly by their pools while their corpulent husbands eat steak tartare and close big deals in oak-panelled restaurants far away. All it takes for the fire of love to ignite is a little spark.
TROPHY WIFE: I am so bored–my husband is off doing another “merger.” Tell me, Enrico–what is this thing called a merger?
POOL BOY: A combination of two legal bodies into one, senorita.
TROPHY WIFE: I am just a simple trophy wife–perhaps you could demonstrate for me.
POOL BOY: Si, senorita. (picks her up)
TROPHY WIFE: Ummm–what is that fragrance?
POOL BOY: It is called “Chlorine.”
Bus Driver and Passenger: Figuring out a complicated public transportation system can stoke the flames of passion with sexual frustration. Here’s verbatim dialogue you can use to drive your mate wild!
PASSENGER: Excuse me, I want to go to Forest Hills.
BUS DRIVER: This bus don’t go there. You need to take the Orange Line to Edgemont, or the Blue Line to Ashmont.
PASSENGER: Can . . . can I get a bus transfer and a transit system map from you?
BUS DRIVER: The maps are down there. You can’t use a bus transfer on the subway.
Appliance installer/housewife: There’s something indescribably sexy about hooking up rubber hoses to hot and cold water faucets in a dark, damp basement. Let’s listen in as a man and a woman read through the owner’s manual of a brand new Maytag stackable electric model:
It doesn’t get any sexier than this.
INSTALLER: You’re all set! Hope you enjoy your new washer/dryer combo!
HOUSEWIFE: It’s beautiful! But, how will I ever understand all the knobs and buttons?
INSTALLER: Well, we could . . . uh . . . take off our clothes and do a test load right now.
Dieting Customer and Pizza Delivery Guy: Ever felt the disappointment of waiting hungrily for a pizza only to find when the delivery guy arrives that they got your order wrong? It creates the kind of sexual tension that is usually found only in Tennessee Williams plays, except right on your doorstep.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: Here you go ma’am. One green pepper, onion and anchovy pizza.
CUSTOMER: But I’m on a diet!
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: You look pretty good to me.
CUSTOMER: Still–I hate anchovies.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: (with a leer) Don’t worry–I’ll eat ‘em.
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”