The CDC’s 10 Warning Signs That You’ve Developed Pandemic News Addiction

1. Given the choice between watching a recently discovered video of Jesus Christ, Muhammad, and Buddha discussing the concept of justice, or viewing an endless scroll of worldwide COVID-19 statistics – updated every 60 seconds – on a screen showing Yule logs burning in a fireplace, you opt for the latter.

2. You complain to CNN that their coverage of new cases of the coronavirus in the Pitcairn Islands has been sporadic.

3. You request an autographed photo of Anthony Fauci from the CDC for your home shrine, as well as a lock of his hair for a laminated prayer card you’re making for your nephew’s birthday.

4. Toby, your Labrador Retriever, whines that he desperately needs to go outside to pee, just as Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daily COVID-19 briefing is about to be broadcast.  You ignore Toby, and Toby does what Toby does.  Figuring that you’re “in for a penny, in for a pound,” you also urinate on the living room rug.  Toby appears confused. 

5. As a PBS special on the implications of the pandemic for the beekeeping industry in Belgium begins, your wife starts to disrobe and writhe provocatively in front of you, softly moaning, “Put on a mask and ventilate me, Big Boy!” You ask her to please stop blocking your view of the screen, swatting her on the haunches with a rolled-up newspaper.  

6. You cover your child’s bedroom ceiling with a home-made, color-coded, glow-in-the-dark Hot Spot map of the world.  When putting six-year-old Ashley to bed, you ask her where she thinks the next three major outbreaks will occur.  She must explain her answer, referencing at least two reputable media websites.  She cries.

7. You sing along when Lester Holt of NBC News performs “That’s What Friends Are For” at the end of his nightly broadcast.  You notice that your forehead is slightly warmer than usual.

8. You follow Comedy Central’s recommendations to squirt Papa John pizza slices with pepperoni-scented Purell before consuming.  Both you and Toby agree that doing so enhances the taste.   

9. You encourage The Weather Channel, Animal Planet, and ESPN to develop a show called “You’ll Watch Anything,” featuring intoxicated NFL players attempting to lasso COVID-19-infected peccaries during a tornado.  

10. You develop a serious case of the coronavirus, but refuse to go to the hospital because the TVs in the Intensive Care Unit don’t show COVID-19 Yule-log updates.  Toby is by your side operating the remote with his nose.  As your vision dims, you see Dr. Fauci and Governor Cuomo gazing at you from the flames of the fireplace, smiling and whispering your name.