What are the two immutable sources of the reality that surrounds us every day? The laws of science and the laws of fashion. But what do you when these two worlds collide? You call Your Science-Fashion Advisor, that’s what!
Dear Science-Fashion Advisor:
I have met a man whom I would very much like to get to know better. He is coming over in about an hour and I have the worst case of static cling! My dress is stuck to my crotch in a way that is both revealing and suggestive. What is static cling and how can I fight it off? Email is better as I do not have time to wait for your column to appear in next week’s paper.
Norma Jean Oswalt, Otterville, MO
Dear Norma Jean:
The atoms that make up the objects around us have equal numbers of positively charged protons and negatively charged electrons in orbit around them. When you pull your skirt on over your panty hose, electrons leave one object faster than the other, giving one a positive charge and the other a negative. Opposites attract–perhaps like you and your “beau”–and static electricity makes your skirt want to cling to your hose. You may find this to be true of your date after a few Busch Natural Lite beers.
For a first date, there are two solutions. One, soak your head in water and tell your date it is the “Flashdance” look, you just loved that movie–because water conducts electricity. Or you can pick the extra electrons out of your panty hose with a tweezer and a magnifying glass, and tell your date you spent the afternoon sliding down a bannister.
Dear Science-Fashion Lady:
When the Comet Kohoutek came through the earth’s atmosphere in 1973 it sprinkled some kind of stardust on my new crinoline petticoat, which I just happened to have up above my waist in the back seat of Duane Edsall’s Chevy Impala. At least that is where Duane told me the stain came from.
Comet Kohoutek: Probably not to blame.
I have never been able to get this substance out, and now I want to hand down this petticoat to my daughter Jean Marie, for her junior prom. Can I make the comet pay for the damage, or at least part of my dry cleaning bill?
Leona Morsht, Downhill, Kentucky
You may have to wait awhile–the Comet Kohoutek isn’t expected to bypass the earth again for another 75,000 years! Try putting a paste of wet baking soda on the stain, dry the petticoat under fluorescent light, put it in a brown paper grocery bag and set it on fire on your driveway. As you pick through the ashes you will notice that the stain is gone.
Dear Science-Fashion Advisor:
My roommate elena (she’s a poet, and “eschews” capital letters) and I are planning a party and I went and got a new outfit, black tube top, maroon pedal pushers. When I came home all excited and showed it to her, she said “oh–i just got the same outfit.” She is irritating that way, always speaking in lower case.
Cute widdle bwack hole
elena says that if two women with identical outfits lead a man under a chandelier in a game of “Which Girl is Which?” his head will explode and he will be sucked into a black hole. Science-Fashion lady, I don’t believe her for a minute. She says she bought her outfit first so she should keep hers, but when I asked to see the sales slip she said she lost it. As far as I know the only science course she ever took was “Rocks and Stars,” which is for English majors. Please help me out here–I went on the NASA web site and there is nothing but a bunch of publicity photos.
Yvette Millenieux, Allston-Brighton, Mass.
Unfortunately, elena is right. The taboo against two women wearing the same outfit to a party is based on Heisenberg’s “Uncertainty Principle,” which holds that it is impossible to measure an object’s precise dimensions when it is wearing a bodacious tube top.
Heisenberg: “Honestly, it looks great on both of you.”
Suffice it to say that if a man closes his eyes and opens them to see two women’s nippers standing at attention through the same clingy material, something is bound to explode.
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”