I’m a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.
As I get older, I’ve moved from “beer’s cold, I’m sold” to “do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not too hoppy, pairs well with a chicken wrap and Columbia catalogue clothing, won’t give me a headache, a nice light buzz but I won’t puke in your washroom?”
Rodding In a Russian Prison: While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released, I’m in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.
I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying “Beware of God”. Crazy world, where you need a watch God to protect your shit.
This is the important difference when I age: At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run. At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and then have the runs.
I’m writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It’s about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander the earth dead broke.
In an effort to advance the Women’s Movement boldly into the future, one enlightened female celebrity commented that what Will Smith did was great because “that’s what a man is supposed to do for his woman.”
Since the advent of global warming, ice wine will now be called melted water wine.
Since Novak Djokovic can’t make the US Tennis Open, God has agreed to try and stand in for him.
In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.