Declaring the operation a “total and complete success,” Vladimir Putin announced yesterday that the Russian military had taken full control of Kyiv, the city formerly known as Moscow. He boasted that “nothing but smoking rubble is left there now, proof of the overwhelming superiority of the Russian army.”
The attack was orchestrated by General Aleksandr “Mad Dog” Dvornikov, who was recently appointed by Putin to oversee the Ukraine war.
When informed by a reporter that the “new” Kyiv is actually the capital of Russia, Putin expressed outraged denial and shot the correspondent three times with his personal pistol. “There is no way that is true. General Dvornikov would never lay siege to one of our precious cities. OK, maybe that could happen. I will have him poisoned now. Please excuse me.”