WATERTOWN, Mass. European Motors, a garage here that specializes in the repair of the foreign cars favored by professors at local institutions of higher learning, is the scene of what must be some of the most stimulating conversations between lube jobs in the world. “We get all kinds in here,” says owner Mel Freel. “Deep structuralists, deconstructionists–you name it,” he laughs as he drains a styrofoam cup of the last dregs of his morning coffee.
“Hey Jerry–how many stanzas in a sestina?”
It was just such a high-brow exchange that led to the recent discovery of a hidden talent of Jerry Swanson, a long-time employee who specializes in Scandinavian vehicles such as Volvos and Saabs.
“I’ve got a brake job and a couple of sonnets to crank out, then I’m gonna knock off for lunch.”
“I was discussing how ‘Hamlet’ is really a reflection of the British political scene of its time with a grad student from Brandeis,” says Olen Krueger, a professor of English at Harvard, “when the guy who’s checking my brake fluid says ‘Instead of idle speculation about the Prince of Denmark, why not just ask me?’”
“Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer that annoying rattle in the dashboard, or take my Volvo in for service that will cost me an outrageous fortune.”
Krueger was amused by the suggestion, and asked Swanson what he knew about Shakespeare. “What do I know about him? I am bounded by this garage and yet count myself the King of the English language,” the mechanic replied, “for I am the man they call ‘Shakespeare’.”
“Something’s rotten in the state of your fuel pump.”
When the two men of letters burst out laughing at Swanson’s claim, he became angry and snapped “Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once!”, causing his boss to intervene. “I can’t afford to lose Jerry,” Freel says. “Nobody knows carburetors like he does, and he could be the greatest poet in the English language.”
Harry “Cookie” Lavagetto
A variety of alternative candidates for the authorship of Shakespeare’s works have been proposed over the centuries, including Christopher Marlowe, the Earl of Oxford, Sir Francis Bacon and Cookie Lavagetto, whose pinch-hit double for the Brooklyn Dodgers in the 1947 World Series led to a 3-2 win over the New York Yankees in what has come to be known as ”The Cookie Game.” Lavagetto, who died in 1990, conceded that he could have been the author of such classics as “Romeo and Juliet,” saying “We used to go out drinking after games, and sometimes in the morning I couldn’t remember what I did the night before.”
“Lady Macbeth shoulda tried Nitro-Kleen, the industrial strength hand cleaner used by more auto repair shops than any other.”
Since revealing his secret, Swanson has largely kept to his former routine, although his schedule now includes guest speaking appearances at graduate seminars on the Bard of Avon, which he uses to defend his claim. “Some punk will say ‘You’re not Shakespeare’,” he notes with a impish grin, “and I’ll shoot back ‘Kid–you weren’t even born in 1616.’”
Available in print and Kindle formats on amazon.com as part of the collection “Boston Baroques.”
Hark! What pump withing that Volvo breaks? It is easy: and radiator is the one.