Florida’s own “Madman of the Everglades,” Governor Ron DeSantis, was arrested at Disney World on Sunday after pummeling the 2023 version of Ariel at a character breakfast in the world-famous theme park.
The visibly intoxicated Governor had stumbled into the restaurant at 9:30 am, loudly slurring “where ish she, where ish she?” Spotting Ariel entertaining several children at a nearby table, DeSantis rushed over and leveled her with a vicious right hook. Crouching over her, he proceeded to deliver several more body blows before being pulled away by Pluto, Goofy, and Cinderella. Security staff arrived shortly thereafter, handcuffing DeSantis and transporting him to the Buena Vista Police Department.
As he was being led away, the Governor screamed, “she’s not the real Little Mermaid! The real Little Mermaid is a white woman! Everyone knows that ALL mermaids are white! Damn you, Disney World, and damn your woke movies!”
At a press conference later that day, Casey DeSantis, the Governor’s wife, said that “Ron has had a crush on the original Ariel ever since the movie came out in 1989 when he was 11 years old. And yes, his obsession has strained our relationship. On the night of our marriage in 2009 he streamed “The Little Mermaid” over and over in our hotel room until we fell asleep. You should see the outfits hanging in my closet. Believe me, wearing a seashell bra is no picnic. It’s all a bit creepy, but it makes my man happy.”
The injured Disney employee was treated for a broken nose at a local urgent care center and released. DeSantis is scheduled to appear in court on Wednesday, where he will be charged with assaulting a manatee.