For several years legal scholars have pondered a vexing question: How did Ron DeSantis (Harvard), Ted Cruz (Harvard), J. D. Vance (Yale), and Oath Keepers founder Stewart Rhodes (Yale) — often referred to collectively as “Democracy’s Assassins” — manage to get themselves accepted by two of the nation’s most prestigious law schools?
The answer? Contaminated wine.
In a joint press conference on Saturday, Harvard Law School Dean John Manning and his Yale counterpart, Heather Gerken, announced the results of a comprehensive investigation conducted by the two institutions.
It turns out that the Admissions Committees at both schools traditionally consume, during their deliberations, large quantities of Cabernet Sauvignon from the Château Lynch-Bages winery in France’s Bordeaux region.
In the early 1980s, a rogue brain parasite (Taenia solium) began to infect the grapes at Château Lynch-Bages. This parasite made its way into the wine that was produced there. The organism would eventually enter — and then consume — the prefrontal cortex of anyone who drank that wine.
According to Manning and Gerken, “the result of all this is that many Admissions Committee members were functioning with only a portion of their brains during meetings, and they made poor decisions. Obviously, we regret this outcome, and we have terminated our relationship with Château Lynch-Bages. We want to take this opportunity to apologize to the United States. Sometimes shit happens, especially when a pernicious parasite has hollowed out your skull.”