Do not mention that when you type “Jack” in the Google search window, Mr. Nicholson comes up after Francis Ford Coppola’s godawful 1996 movie Jack, Jack Black, jackfruit and Jack in the Box.
If Mr. Nicholson attacks you, do not run. Fight back.
Do not gush over how great he was in Pulp Fiction or any other film that he did not appear in.
Do not beg him to sign that Wolf ticket stub that you’ve been carrying around in your wallet since 1994. It’s highly unlikely Mr. Nicholson will have a Sharpie in his pocket.
Do not feed Mr. Nicholson or offer him snacks.
Do not yell “REDRUM! REDRUM!” Mr. Nicholson probably has no idea what that means.
Do not complain to Mr. Nicholson about how your GPS couldn’t locate “Bad Boy Drive.”
Do not say “The Lakers suck!” Or any variation on that. Because you will die.
Do not make a big deal about Mr. Nicholson looking old and disheveled. The man in 85. And he’s won more Oscars and banged more young hotties than you ever will.
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Still the best Joker.