Tired of waiting for your spouse to die? Got an issue with a neighbor who’s put up a “spite” fence? Your Civil Commitment Advisor can help you lock your problems up and throw away the key!
Dear Civil Commitment Advisor–
I have been more or less happily married for 41 years to my wife Lurleen, but lately I’ve begun to suspect she is “losing her marbles.” She is constantly misplacing her car keys or phone when I hide them from her, and she forgets important facts, like did Henry Emmett “Heinie” Manush play with the St. Louis Browns or the St. Louis Cardinals in the period from 1926–27. Simple, everyday stuff like that.
I talked it over with Cheryl Ann, the waitress down at the Coffee Pot Cafe, who has become something of a “confidant” to me ever since I told her about the gold-plated pension I get for my 25 years of service to our town’s Water & Sewer Department. She mentioned “civil commitment,” although without the quotation marks, and I was wondering if you think that would be good for Lurleen.
Please respond to my P.O. Box #357, as I want this to be a surprise to Lurleen if we–I mean I–have to go that route.
Thanks much,
Earl Broahammer, Florissant MO
Dear Earl–
While I’m sure your heart is in the right place–between your lungs–I think most mental health professionals would have a hard time signing off on your papers without stronger evidence of mental disorder. Try asking Lurleen who made the first three-point shot in pro basketball, or the name of the only Native American placekick holder in NFL history, to be sure you’re on “solid ground” before you spend your hard-earned $100 on an attorney who was referred to you by a highway billboard.
Dear Civil Commitment Advisor–
My husband Jim’s mind is slipping rapidly. He can no longer figure out “Wheel of Fortune” puzzles when they’re down to one letter, and he mistook the 2013 “LTZ” luxury Chevy Equinox for our black 2012 model with the basic “LS” trim when we came out of the Round-Up Corral restaurant last Saturday night. Thankfully, the newer car was owned by a nice life insurance agent and not a vicious drug dealer, otherwise we’d both be dead.
I know you always say to “keep it “civil” when you’re putting a spouse in a mental institution against their will, but whenever I mention the subject Jim gets his back up and tells me I’m the one who’s crazy. Do you know if it’s legal to use one of those “Taser” guns on a loved one like the police do to various minorities on the news?
Betty Ann Gurhke, Chillicothe OH
Dear Betty Ann–
You’re on the “right track” but let me recommend a slight “detour.” The term “TASER” is an acronym for “Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle,” and it’s the “electric” part that is the problem. A TASER sends a powerful shock wave through a person’s body that may cause a pacemaker or other medical device to fail, resulting in death when all you really wanted was to get a person out of his damn Barcalounger for the rest of your life. Mental health professionals accordingly recommend tranquilizer darts, which can fell a good-sized moose without leaving a smelly carcass that a highway maintenance crew has to haul away.
Dear Civil Commitment Advisor–
My wife and I share a common driveway with Al and Tricia Dunlap, whose fake-brick aluminum siding has destroyed our property value. We get along all right until the fall, winter, spring and summer, when there’s either leaves or snow or grass clippings that blow from their yard to ours. When I complain to him he gets a creepy smile on his face, like Robert Duvall in “To Kill a Mockingbird,” which is a great movie by the way, actually better than the book.
I have dropped several well-meaning hints, such as “Don’t you think you’d be happier in a mental institution?” and “I’ve heard that frontal lobotomies are actually quite soothing” but he’s “out of it” and doesn’t take the hint.
I hesitate to call in an off-duty cop for what is basically just a boundary squabble but our lawn crew is going to raise their rate next year and I’d rather pay once and be done with it before entering into a long-term service contract. Any suggestions?
Vernon Lee Grup, Neuphals, Georgia
Dear Vernon Lee–
Under a legal doctrine known as “abuse of process” you cannot use criminal laws to settle civil disputes, so ix-nay on the off-duty op-cay. You should instead use a reputable private sector enforcer, and I have had good results with Gaetano “Joey Pockets” di Salvo and Tony “The Icepick” Gravano.