In recent weeks, social media has been blowing up over reported Traylor sightings. That’s the term people are using as shorthand for Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. (Some people prefer the term “Tavis” or “Swelce.”) In case you don’t’ know who Taylor Swift is, what is your problem? Your kids must be ashamed to have you as their parent. Tell me, what’s it like to have been living under a rock these past 19 years?
Taylor Swift is currently the most famous music superstar on the planet – arguably the biggest pop music phenomenon since Elvis or the Beatles. On the other hand, you’d be forgiven if you didn’t immediately recognize the name of Travis Kelce, the Super Bowl-winning elite tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs. If you drew a blank, I’m guessing you’re not a football fan. No worries. Neither is my wife. She’s never heard of Travis Kelce either. Still, I made a vow to love her till death do us part, so I’m working hard to find it in my heart to forgive her over her egregious ignorance on such an important issue.
After paparazzi snapped photos of Traylor, rumors quickly sprang up that the two of them were dating. It appears to be true, since Taylor has been spotted at several Kansas City Chiefs games sitting next to Kelce’s mom. She’s often been accompanied in the private box by several other high-profile celebrities, including Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Hugh Jackman, Stephen Colbert, and Tim Jones. (Okay, I may have lied just slightly. Taylor has yet to invite Stephen Colbert to join her at a game.)
Just the fact that Taylor Swift is in attendance (home and away) has resulted in a huge spike in nationwide viewership of Chiefs games. An October Kansas City Chiefs – New York Jets game was the most-watched Sunday TV show of any kind since last February’s Super Bowl – in part because the cameraman (who clearly has a thing for Taylor), points the camera her way at least 15 times a game.
According to preliminary Nielsen viewership data, the biggest demographic gains were among girls ages 12 to 17, women ages 18 to 24, and college-educated men ages 50 to 69 who wish they were thirty years younger so they could ask Taylor for a date – or at least her autograph. It appears that Swifties, as Taylor Swift’s legion of adoring fans are known, are suddenly becoming rabid football fans – anxiously watching for the moment the TV zooms in for another close-up of Taylor cheering in her Chiefs jersey.
The ratings boom caused by Taylor Swift’s presence has not gone unnoticed by the NFL or the Chiefs’ ownership team. That’s why, in a stunning decision, Kansas City Chiefs Director of Communications, Spike Puntington, announced the team is officially changing the name it’s had since it first entered the league in 1960 from the Kansa City Chiefs to its new name, the Kansas City Swifties.
When asked about the name change, Puntington explained, “We’ve received numerous complaints over the years that the name ‘Chiefs’ was offensive to Native Americans. But the name Taylor Swift, from our extensive research, is not offensive to anyone – other than a few cranky Billie Eilish fans who seem to have a problem with all the attention Taylor’s been getting lately.”
The helmet’s iconic arrowhead logo will be replaced by the sultry outline of Taylor Swift’s head. The Chiefs plan to launch a blockbuster PR campaign to promote the team’s name change, including renaming the team bus the “Taylor Trailer,” complete with a giant photo montage of Taylor in concert on the side of the bus. We’ve been assured it will be very understated.
The football stadium, formerly known as Arrowhead Stadium, will undergo a name change, as well. Original plans were for the new name to be “The Taylor Dome.” However, one astute observer pointed out that it’s an open-air stadium, so not really a dome at all. Therefore, the new name will be “The Swift Nest.”
At the concession stands throughout the stadium, fans will soon be able to buy a unique microbrew invented by the singer herself, which she has named “Taylor-Made Blonde Ale” – sold only at the Chiefs stadium, plus 150,000 select bars, liquor stores, and grocery outlets throughout America, not to mention Amazon.com.
Before each game, God Bless America will be replaced each week by whatever Taylor Swift song the fans in the stadium select. Each fan will vote by swiping their song choice using the Taylor Swift music app (called the Swiftie Swipe) installed on their phone as they enter the stadium. Personally, I’m hoping they’ll play her 2009 classic, You Belong With Me. What can I say? I’m a sucker for her old stuff.
The Chiefs’ Director of Football Operations, David Dollarseinz, is excited about the upcoming changes. However, the team’s head coach, Andy Reid, was a bit more muted in his assessment, asking, “What’s next? Will we start having Taylor Swift call into the huddle to suggest plays?” In response, Mr. Dollarseinz replied, “Love that idea. Do you think she’d be open to that, coach?”
One thing many people know about Taylor Swift is her extensive history of short-term relationships with famous celebrities, most ending in under 4 months – and in the case of actor Zac Efron, in 3 days, 11 hours and 17 minutes. When asked whether he had any concerns that Taylor might break up with Travis up after just a couple months, Chiefs Director of Communications, Spike Puntington, paused before saying, “Um, I wish you’d mentioned this before we’d painted SWIFT NEST on the stadium in 50 ft. tall gold leaf lettering. But, hey, if they break up, I’ll just introduce her to Patrick Mahomes. He’s kind of cute, don’t you think?”
Good luck, Traylor. Or Swelce. Or whatever you guys prefer to be called. And Taylor, I’d love to join you at half-time at an upcoming game. I’m your biggest fan.
For more of Tim Jones’ humor go HERE.
Check out Tim Jones’ new YouTube channel, View from the Bleachers.
Too bad Kelce’s first name isn’t Tom. Then we see a lot of Tom Swifties.