You’ve Arrived! Get Ready for Some Next-Level Instashopping

Dear Instashopper,

Congratulations! You’ve made it to Triple Platinum status, which will improve your gig economy life considerably while not affecting our corporate profits in any way.

Among the perks you can start taking advantage of immediately:

Preferred Parking at Select Shopping Locations. While you’re sitting in your car waiting for another shop to pop up.

Discounts on Shopping Cart Accessories. Including great items like the huge “Professional Shopper” banner to hang on the front of your cart and a really loud horn you can blow when those old timers are blocking the produce aisle. And how about one of our hilarious new “I’m In Marketing” t-shirts?

A Small Child to Assist in Shopping. Available on a first-come, first-served basis, these kiddos will help out considerably, giving you, the Shopper, more time to focus on important things. Like how you’re going to pay your bills this month.

Referral Bonuses. We’ll throw you a few bucks when we sign up your friends to shop. And you best stretch that bonus, because your so-called pals will be taking a lot of work away from you.

Fuel Rewards. For every (thoroughly documented) 10,000 miles you drive in your personal vehicle, we’ll deposit a fraction of a penny into your bank account. Think of it as Spotify for Shoppers!

Again, congratulations on getting bumped up! Keep your eyes peeled for more Instashopper perks once someone else from your area caves and takes a real job.

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