Donald Trump went to his happy place.
He still couldn’t figure it out. If Joe Biden’s age was 50 + 31 and he was 50 + 28, what color was Kamala Harris and why was she and Tim Waltz such happy people and he and JD Vance so weird? He shook his head in mass confusion.
He picked up the Spinal Tap “Smell The Glove” album. It was black. He looked at a picture of Kamala Harris and she was a different color to the Spinal Tap cover. That’s it, he thought, she was definitely not black and now he had the definitive proof. He couldn’t wait to tell Fox News. They would run a 96 part series on it.
He didn’t like pretending he didn’t like Project 2025 which had all sorts of goodies like targeting social security cuts and ending abortion rights. Maybe he should change the name to “2025 Project with 31 contributors who worked at various levels in and around the Trump administration but have nothing to do with TRUMP.” His keyboard always knew when to make the letters big.
He just wanted to find 3 Snoop Doggs, 5 Denzel Washingtons, 12 Michelle Obamas, 12 Barrack Obamas, a black Taylor Swift and strategically place them in the front rows of his next cult rally appearance. He didn’t become this smart overnight. This was the type of complex, thinking outside the box that only comes from watching Tucker Carlson on Twitter.
He was having doubts about JD Vance. Tucker told him he would be a great running mate but he didn’t like running or walking or moving or saying “elekshun inferterence”. Vance preferred to stay on the couch and didn’t say enough stupid things that day. He had better make up for it tomorrow.
He was in Mcdonald’s ordering all the burgers and all the Diet Coke’s and was asked if he would like fries with that. He said “880 billion people tuned in to the final episode of The Apprentice and they only did it for one reason. 890 billion people tuned into the final episode of The Apprentice because Joe Biden wasn’t in it. Joe Biden is different to most of the characters in Westworld because most of them are robots. Joe Biden is NOT a robot. He has blood running through his veins. Don’t believe them if they tell you he is a robot. Does anyone ever watch the way my hands move when I speak? They look like they are playing an invisible accordion. They often ask me, they say, Sir, how tall is the China man? How tall is the China man, is what they ask. I tell them, well, the China man is not tall when he is in China but when he comes to America, he becomes tall but only if he stays in one of my hotels. My hotels make people look taller than they look in China. We have these mirrors they stand in front of and it makes them taller and wider than they are in China but it only happens in my hotels. It’s magic. Well, some say it’s magic. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Why does Kamala Harris dislike me? I’m the most likeable person I know and I know Vladimir Putin. Has anyone heard of Vladimir Putin? I will be holding a fundraiser for my dear friend, Vlad. Poor Vladimir. You won’t believe this but not everyone loves him. I love him but that’s because he loves me. Sure, he invaded Ukraine but only twice. It’s not as if he has a track record and Marjorie Taylor Green told me that Ukraine probably doesn’t even exist. Does anyone know if Ukraine is really a country? Has anyone apart from Hunter Biden ever been there? Has anyone ever seen Ukraine on a map? I know, I haven’t. 25 years, that’s how long Vladimir has been king of Russia. 25 years. I like that. I like that a lot. If it wasn’t for Elekshun Infeterence, I would have been king for 25 years. They say I ramble. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true. They say I can’t keep a coherent thought in my head. If Ukraine does exist, it’s probably full of non-white people just like the rest of Africa. Ronaldo started a YouTube channel”.
To be cont…
When he’s warming up, he sings, “Me, Me, Me.”
Every time it opens its mouth, I say, “why, why, why.”