OTTAWA, Canada. Stunned by the Edmonton Oilers’ loss to the Florida Panthers in the Stanley Cup finals for the second straight year, Canadian officials today devalued the nation’s currency against those of other hockey-playing countries, a move they hope will help reverse its declining fortunes in the sport.
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“We cannot stand idly by while teams from Florida surpass us in the hockey arms race,” said Mark Carney, who a Google search reveals is Prime Minister of Canada. “Devaluation is a strategy that worked for us in tennis, where the rules of Canadian Doubles permit us to have an extra player on our side of the net.”
The Canadian dollar is currently exchangeable into just 73 cents in American money, causing Canadian forwards to come up short against other hockey players. “I had an odd-man rush against Bobrovsky in game five,” said Edmonton right winger Connor Brown of the Florida Panthers’ goalie, “but at current exchange rates that dropped to a one-on-one and he stoned me.”
Canadian loon
The Canadian dollar is also referred to as the “loonie,” after the Canadian loon, an aquatic bird. A member of South Korea’s Unification Church is referred to as a “Moonie” after the late Reverend Sun Myung Moon, its founder.
Sun Myung Moon: A different kind of loonie
It has been thirty-two years since a Canadian hockey team won the Stanley Cup, when Montreal defeated the Los Angeles Kings in 1993, four games to one. Canadian youngsters, who once would proudly display gaps in their teeth caused by blows to the mouth from flying pucks, are abandoning hockey for fencing, macrame and stamp collecting.
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When a reporter pointed out that in order to correct Canada’s current hockey imbalance the country should technically revalue the loonie upwards rather than downwards, Carney was undeterred. “Higher, lower, whatever,” he replied. “If we screw up, we’ll get it right the next time.”