In an episode that could have been drawn from The Real Housewives of D.C., sources within the White House have confirmed that Susan Monarez was fired from her position as Director of the Centers for Disease Control as a result of intense lobbying by Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, Pam Bondi, U. S. Attorney General, and Tulsi Gabbard, Director of National Intelligence.
“These women clearly felt that Dr. Monarez was a threat,” said one insider. “They called her a Clairol Cruella who would monopolize the attention of every man in the room. The last straw came in early August, when Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was seen chatting her up (‘How YOU doin’?’) at a Washington, D.C. bar during Happy Hour.
“Secretary Noem was particularly incensed. She had been Hegseth’s ‘Friday Night Friend’ for several months, and had even shot Hegseth’s mange-infested labradoodle in June, saving him the expense of taking the dog to a veterinarian. ‘I’ve already taken down one of his bi**ches’, friends heard her scream, ‘and now I’m going to take down another’.”
Noem, Bondi, and Gabbard presented President Trump with an ultimatum: “If you don’t fire Monarez, we’ll tell The New York Times about Hot Tub Thursdays in the Lincoln Bedroom.”
The White House has declined to comment on this story, with Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt refusing to explain why she frequently shows up to Friday morning press briefings wearing only a beach towel and flip-flops.