The bowels and bladders of the Harvard community have become the latest target in Donald J. Trump’s war against higher education.
On Friday, Education Secretary Linda McMahon declared that “Harvard must immediately shut down every restroom on its campus. We know for a fact that these facilities are being used to hide over 1500 foreign students who are undocumented and anti-Semitic. This misuse of university property must be stopped. Navy SEALs are on their way to Cambridge as I speak, and they will be emerging from the school’s toilet bowls within 48 hours to enforce the order.”
Harvard is not going quietly. The university released a Tik Tok video on Saturday morning showing President Alan Garber — standing naked on a toilet seat in the Smith Campus Center — defiantly holding up a roll of toilet paper. In a calm, steely voice oozing confidence and conviction, Garber proclaims that “there are Harvard professors currently sitting on every toilet on this campus. Any Navy SEALs attempting to invade our restrooms will have to swim upstream and come through us. To paraphrase the immortal Charlton Heston, ‘you can have our toilet paper when you pry these rolls from our cold, dead hands’.
“Let the flushing begin.”