Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that the McRib is back, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The McRib is back!
So is the McDefibrillator.
Andrew Mountbatten Windsor reportedly ‘toast’ as he risks jail time amid fresh probe
Or, as he’s also known, “The Royal Formerly Known as Prince.”
Disney plans to open a theme park in Abu Dhabi
I can’t be the only who hopes they bought “The Flintstones” rights so they can have an “Abu Dhabi Do” ride.
Trump wants Commanders’ new D.C. stadium named for him
Isn’t there already an Orange Bowl?
Louis C.K. has written his first novel
It’s called “Moby Dick Pic.”
Kim Kardashian blames psychics for saying she’d pass the bar and didn’t
… Not so fast. Maybe, they meant the exam to tend bar.
Halsey groped onstage by a fan during DC concert in shocking video
I’m stunned, stunned, that Andrew Cuomo would be at a Halsey concert.
Duane Roberts, billionaire who invented frozen burrito dead at 88
To many, he was more than just an inventor, he was a farter figure.
Kelsey Grammer welcomes eighth child
Alec Baldwin, you’re up.
Insiders claim Ben Affleck wants to get back together with this ex
Insiders, you’re gonna have to be way more specific.
It’s Veteran’s Day
Trump will be celebrating on the 16th after taking five deferments.
The sperm black market where men donate via ‘natural insemination’
It’s hard work if you can get it.
Truckload of ‘aggressive’ research monkeys escape after truck crash in Mississippi
Word is, to catch them, they sang, “Hey, hey we’re the Monkees,” and the monkeys sang back, “and people say we monkey around…”
60% of Americans disapprove of how Trump is handling the economy — a new high
But not as high as Hegseth … by two in the afternoon …
I heard the monkeys were just tryin’ to be friendly.
Hahaha! Thats what they were trying to say!