President Trump, feeling full of vim and vigor and piss, has declared that he is changing the name of the United States to ‘Trumpistan’. For an American public used to our present President’s whimsical ways, it is not coming as too much of a surprise. The rest of the world feels pretty much the same way as well.
Presenting this new ‘bigly idea’ at one of his pep rallies to make sure his fans are kept properly agitated and on his side, Trump has wandered into treacherous territory. Some staid American patriots (who all Maga-ites are convinced that they themselves are despite mounting evidence to the opposite) might be razzed by this change. But Donald is working hard to convince them.
“This is the next step in the evolution of America. The founding Fathers were a little limited in their thinking on coming up with a good name for this great country. I mean, really?! ‘The United States Of America’? It sounds like a low rent Mom and Pop shop! I am sure they didn’t spend a lot of their time coming up with that name! They must have been too busy fighting off the Indians and the British and writing up the Declaration Of Independence to spend more time on it. Even calling it Poughkeepsie would have been better!”
“Now my new name is ‘Trumpistan’; that has class! That is a REAL name! It is a little bit modern with the ‘Trump’ in it for I am a pretty modern, classy guy! And the ‘istan’ makes it sound sort of Russian which is a place that I admire a lot. And it sounds sort of historic, don’t it? America needs to have a name that sounds historic, even if it is someone else’s history! The ‘istan’ countries that Russia used to rule over sound so authoritarian, like they really know how to keep their people under control. I love that. It sounds so macho and dictatorial! ‘Trumpistan’! I like it a lot!”
“Now I know there are some wet noodle Liberals and a few kooks and sociopaths that aren’t going to like it, but that is too bad- I am the big Kahuna here and everybody better know that by now! It’s ‘My way or the highway’ from here on out! Dems have nothing to say about it. They are a has-been organization. I rule the roost of this hen house and, let me say this in large letters, IT IS MY WAY OR NO WAY ON ALL THINGS from here on out! I didn’t spend all these campaign donations just to be another chicken feathered
Biden! I do great things! I am a Great, Great Thing Doer! Hey- I just came up with another great campaign slogan! Aren’t I a fantastic Genius or what?!”
“Anyway,” the Donald continued, “This is my country and I am its President whether people like it or not! I have the reins of this realm and I am going to ride it like Stormy Daniels……I mean like a bronco!” I am going to Make America Great Again! Also my bank accounts at the same time! If that doesn’t work then I will “Make America Gag Again!” That is the power of my personality!”
Trump went on to say that if all maps were not changed in the next week he would get his lawyers together and sue those who do not comply with treason. “Anyone who doesn’t use the name change will be sent to a country where they do not even know what English is, much less know how to speak it!
Resistance against Trump and his plans is weakening, although there have been some mysterious misspellings occurring such as Frumpistan and Grumpistan and the vastly popular (but not with Trump and his team) ‘Humpistan’. The Don has informed National Guard units throughout the country to be ready to arrest protestors and dissenters on sight who are against the change. “This new name will be good for America and make us respected again!” coming from a man who seems to always be in need of more than normal respect for some reason.
Satirists were really having a field day with the new Presidential edict. Colbert stated that the famous Russian Cossack Hopack dance done in a bent knee fashion would replace square dancing as the Line Dance form as the new American dance tradition shortly before agents arrested him on stage live leading to cheers and laughter from the audience who thought it was a part of his routine before he was dragged away. It wasn’t. South Park did a whole show depicting its inhabitants having to change from blue jeans to Russian clothing and having fits because they didn’t have zippers and of having to learn their language. South Park writers and alleged ‘artists’ Trey Parker and Matt Stone were last seen being bundled off a plane and shipped to Alligator Alcatraz where nothing has been heard from them since. Rumor has it they were pushed out of the helicopter Chilean style intentionally before it ever got there.
The cost of changing the names on all the maps, books and atlases in the US…I mean ‘Trumpistan’, will be in the billions. Accountants at the Agency for Accountable Accounting had stated that the cost would be more than what Elon Musk supposedly saved the country during his tenure with DOGE.
I will have more info on this develo……YIKES! I won’t be able to finish this article! ICE agents have just busted down my door and are grabbing my…….please let Katherine know what happe…………