Life is about to get complicated for U. S. citizens who have sex while they’re out of the country.
Beginning July 1st, American parents will have to pay a $3500 tariff for any offspring they conceive outside of the United States.
President Donald J. Trump told reporters on Monday that “this is something we just have to do. When a couple engages in sex beyond our borders, the fertilized egg absorbs all of the foreign germs and cooties of the host country. Even if the baby is eventually born in the U. S., the child might as well be Mexican, Chinese, or Haitian. To be honest, I’m not sure these kids should be considered U. S. citizens. I’ve ordered the Attorney General to review the Constitution and make a recommendation. For the time being, however, we’re going to use tariffs to encourage Americans to copulate in the United States, where the sex act is the safest of anywhere in the world.
“When it comes to doing the sex, America is the gold standard. The Missionary Position was invented here. That position is germ free, according to our Secretary of Health and Human Services, and is the best position by far.
“By the way, I love our missionaries. Such good people. They’ve done so much for so many. I used their position all the time when I was doing the sex many years ago. Now I watch Ultimate Fighting Championship matches instead. They remind me of when I used to do the sex.”