WASHINGTON, D.C. FBI special agent Lloyd Theobald spends his nights trolling the internet looking for sexual predators. Last Saturday, he thought he had a live one.
Clandestine meeting spot.
“I was in a chat room when ‘PrzbyterialGurl’ asked me to meet her at a shopping mall in Tysons Corner. She said she’d trade a ‘Presbyterian Handjob’ for 500 Talbots Classic Award points.”
What Theobald didn’t know was that a “Presbyterian Handjob” is code for the cold, limp, disappointing handshake that a Presbyterian girl gives her date at the end of an evening when she says ‘I’ve had a lovely time–let’s not spoil it now.’”
“She’s got enough Talbots points to get a kilt and a pair of knee socks!”
Despite his lack of erotic interest in the proferred contact, Theobald arrested the woman, Pamela Wilmot, for use of interstate communications to solicit sex. FBI brass call her arrest a major breakthrough in cracking a nationwide ring of WASPy women who trade sexual favors for promotional benefits offered by Talbots, the Hingham, Massachusetts-based retailer whose customers overwhelmingly believe the chain’s upscale women’s clothes are “too old-looking,” but buy them anyway.
“Presbyterians are one of the few socioeconomic groups who actually like to pay retail,” Theobald said, “but that doesn’t mean they aren’t cheap. They save coupons like they’re precious metals.”
“Would you mind washing your hands before you touch me, please?”
Wilmot, an attractive yet austere blond who wears her hair in bun, was saving the Talbots promotional points for one particular item she wanted. “I had my eye on a cute pink and green surcingle watch band,” she said at her arraignment, “but I really couldn’t justify spending $12.50 on it.”
Presbyterian women are forced to seek sex in on-line forums because they lack flirtation skills and a sense of humor and have extremely high standards in men, all of which require them to lower their prices in the open marketplace of the streets. “I propositioned one of them in du Pont Circle,” Theobald says, shaking his head. “She said she’d consider having sex with me but I had to fill out a personal financial statement first.”
Thomas Percy, head of the Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church, took issue with the charge of humorlessness. “We just don’t find anti-Presbyterian jokes funny. Like, ‘What’s Presbyterian foreplay? Two months of begging.’ That’s offensive.”
He cited the following as an example of the sort of up-beat, positive humor that Presbyterians prefer: “Why do Presbyterians smile when there’s lightning? Because God’s taking their picture for his needle-point photo album!”
When told that his attempt at humor wasn’t funny, Percy was untroubled. “It’s not a joke.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Our WASPy Heritage.”