Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ debuted 59 years ago
If it came out today, it would be called “CSI: Whoville.”
Measles outbreaks worsen in South Carolina, Arizona, and Utah
Word is, those are all the filming locations for Cheryl Hines’ new reality show “The Marvelous Mrs. Measles.”
Woman had 27 contact lenses removed during surgery
I’m guessing she had them put in at Costco.
Over 500 pages in initial Epstein files release were entirely blacked out
Let’s face it, the Epstein files had enough blackouts to be the next Secretary of Defense..
Kim Kardashian considering legally changing children’s last names amid ex Kanye West’s absence
I’m thinking, as a change of direction, she could change North West’s name to South East.
People who regularly ate higher-fat cheese and cream had a lower risk of developing dementia over 25 years, according to a new study
… Which is good because they’re able to remember to take their heart and cholesterol meds.
Moving on after a break up: How soon is too soon?
It doesn’t really matter as long as you find someone new first.
CVS is secretly the best place for holiday snacks
Well, unless they catch you …
‘You’re out of your mind’: angry Candace Owens erupts on Piers Morgan for suggesting she’s profiting off Charlie Kirk’s assassination
For once, they’re both right.
Elon Musk says DOGE ‘somewhat successful’ but would not do it again
Johnny Depp could say same about his relationship with Amber Heard.
GOP senator: Hegseth is either lying about second boat strike or incompetent
I’ll take choice three: Both.
Woman put under to get tooth implant wakes with an Irish accent
… Wondering if anyone’s ever gotten breast implants and awakened sounding like a cast member of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
Google to announce biggest-ever investment in Germany
Here’s hoping that doesn’t include hiring the Alphabet Soup Nazi …
It’s the now the Donald J Trump John F Kennedy Memorial Center
… Add “and Casino,” and it’ll be bankrupt soon enough …