Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about NBA All Star Weekend, don’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Time for NBA All Star weekend
Or, once again, as the Kardashians call it, “Tinder.”
Epstein’s Private Island: Dentist chair and masked room exposed
Epstein Island had dental equipment? Really? American healthcare is the only system where a criminal enterprise has a better benefits package than a schoolteacher.
Maine gets serious about its lobsters, because the Atlantic is warming
Bad news: Fewer lobsters. Good news: they’ll be ready to eat.
Putin invited to join Trump’s Board of Peace
… While R Kelly invited Matt Gaetz to join him in opening a Chuck E Cheese franchise.
Kid Rock’s ‘MAGA fest’ cancelled after nearly all its acts pull out
… If only Papa Rock had done the same …
China takes big step towards developing ‘Starlink killer’ weapon with compact high-power microwave
… So, it can knock out a satellite and reheat dinner at the same time.
Cynics are at a higher risk of developing Dementia
… Like anyone would believe that … What was the topic again?
Student has threesome with both of his English teachers
And, I for one, am shocked, this sounds way more like a class in French.
Magic mushrooms lift severe depression in clinical trial
Y’all hear that, Domino’s?
ICE agents try to enter Ecuadorian consulate in Minneapolis
… Probably for asylum.
Happy 45th birthday, Paris Hilton
What do you get for the girl who hasn’t earned anything?
McDonald’s worker, 19, arrested on suspicion of double-charging customers and funneling Nearly $700 to his personal account
The punishment is he now has to eat 700 hundred bucks worth of McRibs.
11 strong signs you’re about to be fired
Number 2: A question mark is placed after your job title on company website.
US added 130,000 jobs in January
… All of them Epstein file redactors …