Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about free condoms for the athletes at the Winter Olympics, don’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Olympic Villages run out of free condoms at 2026 games due to ‘higher-than-anticipated demand’
What else do you expect with all those biathletes?
Les Wexner’s attorney whispers “I’ll F—ing kill’ for giving long answers during deposition
That’s right, Les Wexner, the guy who owned Victoria’s Secret could now be looking at ‘Forever 21’ to Life.
Driver survives cliff crash, gets struck by bus
No word yet from hospital on the condition of Wile E. Coyote.
Supreme Court strikes down Trump tariffs, rebuking President’s signature economic policy
Word is, Trump is sending Giuliani to appeal the Tariff decision in the parking lot of the Supreme Courtyard of Marriott.
Timothy Busfield case takes major turn as several past accusers may testify
Damn, the number of people may be thirty something …
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor arrested on 66th birthday
Happy Birthday to the Prince formerly known as Andrew. I’m guessing those weren’t the kinda cuffs you were expecting as a present.
Jennifer Lopez ‘furious’ over Bad Bunny Super Bowl performance snub
… Not as mad as those trying to get a refund from seeing Gigli.
Snoop Dogg tells Martha Stewart that Queen Elizabeth was his “home girl” during royal visit at Olympics
Hmmm? I was gonna go with Queen Latifah.
4 tons of cocaine seized from “narco sub” in Pacific by Mexico and El Salvador, video shows
… Guess it was during high tide.
The inside story of a $100 million deli fraud
Frankly, the whole thing doesn’t sound kosher to me.
RIP Robert Duval
Looks like the In Memoriam for this year’s Oscars is gonna need its own show.
Donny Osmond sued by concertgoer who attended his Las Vegas residency
Who the heck let Marie in?!
Blueberries can lower blood pressure
… While blood pressure skyrockets when seeing the price of blueberries.
Epstein alleged Billionaire Bill Gates left ex-mistress penniless and sleeping on a couch
… Causing JD Vance to say, ‘so it wasn’t bad …’