Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Diddy, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Trump might pardon Diddy
Someone needs to tell him, wrong kinda oil.
Human remains found in school chimney
Apparently, all of Santa’s reindeer have lawyered up.
Big Year for Measles: U.S. Cases Surpass 2025, Most in 35 Years
… Or, MAHAHAHA.
Trump says new Air Force One to be ‘maxed out’ after security concerns
… Much like he’s doing with America’s credit card.
Romania shoots down second drone in two days
One more … and they get a giant stuffed animal.
Marijuana refugees face real estate challenges
Yeah, wherever they go the neighborhood goes to pot.
Could ultrasonic espresso be coffee’s biggest breakthrough in years?
You get both a caffeine rush and the sex of your fetus.
Lebron signs with 76ers
Which, at this point, when he’s done playing, will also be his age.
Canada cancels joint bridge celebration with US, citing Trump trade threats
But I’m sure they did it politely.
Troy Jackson to be Democratic candidate for Maine Senate seat
… While former candidate Graham Platner will still be running from process servers
Happy belated birthday, Cheech Marin
Oh, c’mon, like he even remembered …
Poll: Congress about as popular as Ebola
Ebola demands a recount.
Michael Jordan NASCAR race team member arrested after allegedly running over 77-year-old man with golf cart
… Could’ve been worse, Tiger Woods could’ve been driving the golf cart.
The Saudis reached a deal with the US that would let them enrich nuclear fuel
… And Jared at the same time.