Stephen Miller assumed the role of President Donald J. Trump’s Chief of Staff on Monday, three days after Satan gave him permission to take a sabbatical from his job as Operations Director in the 7th Circle of Hell.
“Stephen has worked for us in the Underworld for the past three years,” said Satan, “and he’s been terrific. When Mr. Trump approached me about switching him to an above-ground position, I felt that I couldn’t say ‘no’. The pursuit of unadulterated evil took a major hit in last week’s midterm elections, and I mean no offense to Susie Wiles, but her stare can’t come close to matching the soulless abyss of damnation that you plunge into when making eye contact with Mr. Miller.”
As Operations Director in the 7th Circle, Stephen Miller was responsible for overseeing the endless torture of children, kittens, and koalas, as well as for the development of spiky, pain-inflicting devices that maximize screaming.
“The Golden Age of ICE is about to commence,” Satan told reporters.