“Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” That’s what President Donald J. Trump wondered aloud as he addressed reporters on Tuesday. He had just announced that Kimberly Guilfoyle would be joining his Cabinet as Secretary of Graft.
“When it comes to engaging in corruption, this woman has ovaries the size of beach balls,” said the President. “I always thought that her financial talents were being wasted in that godforsaken sludge pile of Greece. There’s absolutely nothing to extort there. Hell, their economy can’t even support an Olive Garden at the Acropolis. And trust me, the cosmetic surgeons in Athens had been doing Kimberly no favors. I’m going to hook her up with Melania’s people. They can turn a slab of granite into a velvet purse.”