[WASHINGTON, D.C.] — Following an Executive Order that officially renamed Lake Ontario “Lake America” – a direct response to being rebuffed by Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney during trade talks – President Donald Trump has announced an ambitious new international initiative: re-branding the entire planet.
The move comes on the heels of his decision last year to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America,” and his plan to rebrand the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans as “MAGA Ocean East” and “MAGA Ocean West,” effectively erasing centuries of nautical tradition.
Ancient Greek writers originally named the Atlantic in the 6th century BC, while Ferdinand Magellan dubbed the Pacific in 1520. When asked by reporters why he felt entitled to rename two-thirds of the Earth’s crust, Trump was characteristically modest.
“No country has done more for the Atlantic – or the Pacific – than the United States,” Trump boasted. “No country comes close. Before me, Biden tried to destroy both oceans. Total disaster. The fish were crying. But I saved them. And climate change is a hoax, by the way, so if anything, the oceans are actually getting bigger thanks to me.”
According to leaked memos from senior administration officials, Trump has temporarily set aside all other executive duties—including the construction of the White House Grand Ballroom—to prioritize geographic re-branding. The primary goal: ensure global maps accurately reflect his personal greatness.
Documents provided to The New York Times reveal several upcoming cartographic adjustments:
The Black Sea will officially become The European Heritage Sea. “The Black Sea is a disgusting name,” Trump reportedly argued to aides. “Totally unfair. It completely ignores the incredible contributions of white European settlers. Plus, black is a very sad color. Gold is way better. We’re looking into painting the water gold, actually – just as soon as we fix the Donald J. Trump Reflection Pond” (formerly the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool).
Greenland, long a target of Trump’s real estate ambitions, will undergo a mandatory re-brand. While aides initially pushed for Trumpland, the President is reportedly leaning toward Trumpistan. “It sounds more dominating,” Trump explained. “Very strong. Very powerful.”
The Panama Canal will be renamed The Natalie Canal, in honor of his faithful aide, Natalie Harp. Upon hearing the news, Harp was visibly moved. “Honestly, I’m speechless,” she told reporters. “I would have been thrilled with just a small Central American country named after me, like Peru. Donald is just so generous.”
Slovenia, the nation of Melania’s birth, will officially be renamed Melania in a bid to dispel rumors of marital discord. “Melania is frankly the only good thing to ever come out of that wretched little place,” Trump noted. “Plus, the name Melania has many of the same letters as Slovenia, so the mapmakers save on ink. It’s a genius cost-cutting measure.”
The Amazon Rainforest will be renamed The Great American Amazon Prime Forest, following an exclusive branding arrangement with Jeff Bezos, assuming Bezos ponies up the $1 billion payment to the Trump Library and Casino Fund.
The English Channel will become The Hegseth Strait, honoring his Secretary of War. “Nobody’s straiter than Whiskey Pete, that’s for sure – except for me, of course. There will be no gay waterways in my administration.” Meanwhile, The Swiss Alps will be rebranded The Trump World Liberty Financial Alps, to honor his hugely successful climb to the summit of riches from his crypto company.
When asked if he had plans to rename major strategic rivals like Russia or China, Trump flatly rejected the idea. “Why would I change their names? They’re doing a fantastic job,” Trump said. “And Putin and Xi Jinping think I’m doing a incredible job – way better than Lincoln, frankly. Lincoln never had the ratings I have.”
Other upcoming name changes expected to be codified by Executive Order include:
The Great Northern USA Territory (formerly Canada)
Mar-a-Lago West (formerly Mexico)
The Shithole Continent (formerly Africa)
Trump Med Casino Resort (formerly the Gaza Strip)
Vance Valley (formerly Silicon Valley), out of respect for his Vice President, who tipped him off on how to run a Crypto scam and make billions
Musklalia (formerly Australia), which Trump reportedly described as “a giant desert full of lethal animals, perfect for testing autonomous Mars Rovers.”
D.C. insiders report that speculation is running rampant over whether Trump will attempt to rename the planet itself. White House staff overheard him whispering to his assistant, “Which sounds better to you, Natalie: Planet Trump or simply The Orange Planet? After everything I’ve done for this solar system, I deserve it. Nobody knows more about running a planet than me. NASA came to me, tears in their eyes, they said, ‘Sir, the Earth needs a new brand.’”
However, rumors that Trump plans to rename India – the world’s most populous nation – Ivankavania were firmly shut down by the President himself.
“India is a very crowded, dirty place, not fit for Ivanka,” Trump angrily clarified. “No, I’m leaning toward giving Ivanka Great Britain. They’ve been very mean to me over there. Very rude. And Ivanka would make an incredible Queen—way sexier than Elizabeth ever was, believe me.”
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