It has come to my attention that, because of the nature of some of the activities I have allegedly been involved in this past year, there is a real possibility that I am on your “Naughty List.” If so, this letter is a last-ditch effort to redeem myself, or at least make myself look better.
I honestly can’t tell you what happened at last year’s New Year’s Eve party because I don’t remember anything. I’ve been told that I stripped down to my underwear and did a hula dance on top of the host’s dining room table, but that is probably just a lie spread by whoever really did it. Anyway, are you going to blame me for something I might have done when I was plastered?
I have not been stealing supplies and equipment from the office.
Well, there was that electronic date stamp, but I have every intention of returning it as soon as I can figure out a way to sneak it back into the office without being caught.
Oh, and yes, I have about ten pens in my purse with the name of our business on them, but they are all half out of ink, anyway. Besides, it’s good advertisement for the company when I take them out to use them and people see the company name.
How did that stapler get into my bag? I’ve been wondering where that disappeared to.
I did not hit on the boss’ nephew at the last departmental meeting. He hit on me. I just didn’t do anything to discourage him, because he’s so damned smoking hot. We had a very nice time at that little hidden corner table in that out-of-the-way restaurant. No, we did not end up in a cheap motel over at Exit 5. He took me to the Holiday Inn. I have some pride you know.
Yes, he charged the restaurant and the hotel to his company expense account, but I didn’t tell him to do that. He did it all by himself and it’s not my fault if I chose not to tell anyone about it.
I did tell my mother that I was sequestered on jury duty when I was really on vacation in Aruba, but I did that to save her feelings. If I had told her I was going to Aruba she would have wanted to go with me. Would you want to go to Aruba with your mother – especially if you were actually going with the boss’ smoking hot nephew? Of course not. Neither did I.
I absolutely, positively did not rig my next door neighbor’s door so that it would automatically close when he was outside in his underwear picking up his newspaper. I’ve thought of it, but I never did it.
So you see I’m not nearly as bad as people say I am. Please leave me some nice presents this Christmas, because nobody else will. My mother is still mad at me over that Aruba trip/jury duty thing and everyone else is annoyed over something or other. The boss’ nephew broke up with me two weeks ago. So I really need you to give me some gifts so that people won’t think I’m a total loser.