Today wasn’t one of the high points of my life. I spent most of the day in the Court House. I have been keeping quiet, but about a month ago, I got my first DUI and today was the big trial, and the entire town came out to watch.
My Attorney was trying to get the case thrown out of court because the African-American officer beat the living crap out of me, and I had to spend the night of the arrest in the local hospital, due to multiple bruises and a blow to the head. My attorney did his homework, and he was armed with photos of me at the hospital with a blackened eye and my head all bandaged up. Before the Judge came in, my attorney showed me the photos and whispered in my ear, “This is going to be an open and shut case, so just sit there and relax. You may even come out of this being a celebrity like Rodney King!”
The attorney for the State did a fine speech; he told the jury about me failing the sobriety test, and being arrested for DUI. Then my lawyer started his opening statement. He stated how I was a reputable member of the community and how I was even recently elected Mayor of the trailer park. You could have heard a pin drop in the courtroom as he told the jury about the racial beating I had received, and that I was a victim of a terrible injustice.
When the officer took the stand he stated that he noticed me coming out of the Pizza Pub, and he followed me for about half a mile before pulling me over. He said he had the video cam in his cruiser turned on during the arrest. That’s when they rolled a big screen TV into the courtroom.
My attorney elbowed me and whispered into my ear, “This is going to be even better than we thought! With this video we may even be able to get large cash settlement out of them.”
I answered him, “GOOD!! This corrupt officer is going to get what’s coming to him now!”
Then, the courtroom got silent as the video started playing. It started out showing me weaving violently all over the road on my bicycle. Next, the officer pulled me over and asked me why I was wandering all over the road, and he wanted to know if I was drinking.
I answered, “Of course, I sure as hell ain’t a stunt driver.”
Then the Officer said, “Ok Mr. Smart Mouth let’s see if you can touch the end of your nose with your finger.”
Now, in perfect view of the video camera, I drew back my arms, and then sprung them forward, totally missing my nose and I ended up punching myself in the eye. Then, I lost balance and staggered back into the curb and ended up falling backwards onto the concrete sidewalk and breaking the fall with my head.
Now the whole courtroom burst into laughter except for me and my Attorney. I looked over at him, and he was pounding his head on the top of the table.
As the video continued, I saw the officer reaching toward his belt where he kept his nightstick. I elbowed my attorney again and said, “Watch! This must be where he beats me!”
As the Officer reached toward his belt, he grabbed his two-way radio and radioed for an ambulance. My attorney just looked at me and shook his head in disgust. We watched as the officer knelt down next to me and felt my wrist for a pulse. That’s when I upchucked all over his uniform; I had no idea that vomit could project that far.
I elbowed my Attorney again and said, “Look, that explains why I woke up with pepperoni and mushrooms stuck in my mustache.”
My lawyer just put his face on the table and put his hands over his head trying to hide from the crowd in the courtroom.
The last words I heard on the video were me crying to the officer, “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Needless to say the trial didn’t turn out well for me, and my attorney sure was no Johnnie Cochran. I ended up with a new ankle bracelet and a 9:00 curfew. The Judge also ordered me to have a breathalyzer installed on my bicycle. The way I understand it, the steering won’t unlock if I have alcohol on my breath.
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to beat the breathalyzer thingy. I’m thinking about hauling my blow-up doll around with me and deflating her into my breathalyzer every time I want to start my bike. But I’m wondering if I would draw too much attention riding around on my bicycle with a half- deflated girlfriend on the back.
Attica! Attica! Attica! You could just learn to ride “wheelies” while drunk. It’s a thought man. 😉