Dear (insert name):
Please stop telling me I need to repent and get right with God because I am Catholic. I have already repented. In fact, I repent all the time. That’s what Catholics do. I don’t need Protestant repentance on top of that. I have enough of my own already, thank you. I’m sure that a priest or some old church lady will let me know if I am not succeeding in getting right enough to at least make it until my next Confession.
OR (for non-Catholics)
Please stop telling me I need to repent and get right with God. I have only one thing of which I truly repent: knowing you. Anything else I will repent of when it becomes apparent to me that it needs repentance, and I will figure out my own way to do the repenting.
Who told you I am headed straight for Hell? Have you been talking to my family again?
It’s wonderful that you know exactly what happened when God created everything, exactly how It was done, how many years ago it happened and how long it took. As for me, I couldn’t tell you for sure. I wasn’t there.
Yes, I voted for Barack Obama. No, I am not a socialistic atheist terrorist-loving communist hippie. I’m just reasonably intelligent. And by the way – Mr. Obama was born in Hawaii, and he has a legitimate birth certificate to prove it. His mother was there, too, and she ought to know what part of the world she was in when she gave birth. She even had it officially recorded, as required by law.
I don’t go for Shirley MacLaine’s New Age beliefs, either, but I’m not going to stop watching her movies just because of that. Besides, I have a bet going with another friend that I can remember all of Ouiser’s lines in Steel Magnolias, and I don’t want to lose a chance for a free dinner.
I hate to burst your bubble, but Madalyn Murray O’Hair is dead, and has been for some time. She has gone to where all good obnoxious atheist fanatics go. She can’t get anything banned on earth from there, including Christian broadcasting. There is also such a thing as the First Amendment to the Constitution; it protects Christian broadcasters as well as pornographers. You can continue to listen to Fred Camping’s Family Radio, secure in the knowledge that Mr. Camping can continue to send his moronic preaching out into the world for the foreseeable future.
Be sure to let me know if he makes another End-Time prediction, and just what formula he uses this time. I find them so ludicrous they are fascinating. I am keeping a collection of them, for when I need a good laugh.
Yours truly,
(Insert your name here)
Say it loud sister, that was some damn fine preaching!
Why, thank you, kind Sir. *takes bow*
Spot on Kathy. Your point about the 1st Amendment protecting both Christian broadcasters and pornographers is enlightening. Imagine if those two industries merged and incorporated scripture into porn plots — they’d reach a whole new audience.
I think Larry Flynt actually tried to do something like that once with “Hustler” magazine. This was when Rosalind Carter got him to sort of halfheartedly become a Born-Again Christian. His conversion didn’t last long, though.