A Who’s Who of Dancing with the Who?

It’s that time of year again when hot women with perfect bodies dressed in skimpy outfits and ripped men in sparkly shirts without buttons dance with a bunch of obnoxious out-of-shape nobodies otherwise known as stars. But who are these stars? No really, who the fuck are these stars?

Here’s a look at the field for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars:

Professional hot chick, Karina Smirnoff will be shaking her scantily clad ass with Corbin Bleu, which I believe is a breaded boneless chicken breast stuffed with ham and Swiss cheese. How in the world the sexy Russian is going to pull off a difficult dance such as the Paso Doble while holding a plateful of food is beyond me, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s Karina.

Every season, DWTS is required to have at least one competitor who is old and can barely walk, let alone dance. Apparently not satisfied that seven decades of enduring gravitational pull isn’t enough of a disadvantage, the producers took it a step further by selecting actress Valerie Harper, who is fighting terminal brain cancer. Sympathy votes will help keep her and partner Tristan MacManus in the competition too long.

In addition to the decrepit, each season of DWTS also features a football player. These athletes are always quite good except when they are named Curt Warner who was dancing under the distinct disadvantage of wearing white skin. This time it will be the appropriately pigmented Keyshawn Johnson paired with the appropriately sexy Sharna Burgess.

Nicole Polizzi, who won the hearts of millions playing the part of adorable little cum dumpster Snooki in the popular kids TV show Jersey Shore, will be paired with her professional partner Sasha Farber. Farber, a newcomer to the show, will be required to wear a body condom whenever dancing with his partner as directed by the Center for Disease Control.

Bill Nye the Science Guy will try to develop some chemistry (get it?) with his partner Tyne Stecklein. After taking a look at a few Internet pics of the show’s new 25-year-old dancing pro, I’m thinking the old geek may also be developing some DNA stains on the crotch of his pants.

In case someone dancing while battling terminal cancer isn’t inspiring enough for you, Ozzy and Sharon’s boy, Jack Osbourne, will be rubbing up against the very rubbable Cheryl Burke while dealing with multiple sclerosis. And if you gotta deal with MS, there are a lot worse ways to do it than rubbing up against Cheryl Burke.

After years of membership with the Church of Scientology, actress Leah Remini finally came to her senses and left the nutball religion. To help fill the void, Remini will be joining a nutball dance show instead where she will be partnered with Tony Dovolani.

Judging by the size of her Wikipedia page, Christina Milian just has to be the biggest star on DWTS. Judging by the fact that I don’t know who the fuck is she, I’m thinking she wrote her own Wikipedia page. Anyway, she’ll be dancing with professional shirtless dancer Mark Balas.

Poor DWTS newbie Emma Slater will be tasked with trying to make Blue Collar Comedy Tour comedian Bill Envall look like a dancer. Fortunately for her this isn’t nearly as daunting a task as, say, trying to make comedian Bill Engvall funny.

I have no idea who this Brant Daugherty guy is, but I’m pretty sure he’ll end up being one of those pretty-boy actors from some horseshit TV show who’ll get all the young female viewers all worked up. Meanwhile, shapely pro Peta Murgatroyd shouldn’t have any trouble getting her young partner all worked up.

Actress Elizabeth Berkley can’t act worth a shit, but she showed she could sure dance naked on a stripper pole in the film Showgirls—one of the greatest performances in film history by a stripper pole. Unfortunately, censors will make her wear some clothes—not a lot of clothes, but yes, she’ll have to wear clothes. And instead of hanging all over a pole, she’ll be hanging all over professional dancer Val Chmerkovskiy. Poor guy.

Amber Riley is on Glee which means I don’t know who the fuck she is because I’m not gay. Professional shirtless dancer Derek Hough seems to always draw chicks who can dance and Riley is listed on Wikipedia as a singer-dancer-actress. Allowing someone who is a dancer compete in a dance contest against, oh, say, a science guy is about as fair as letting a hooker compete in a biggest whore contest with, oh, say, Snooki.

Okay, not a good example, but you get what I mean.