Halloween | HumorOutcasts


October 31, 2013

It’s one in the afternoon! I’m still trying to fucking sleep. It’s important that I get my solid 14 hours after a night of words and admittedly more whiskey than words. How dare you have the nerve to send your toddler to ring my doorbell and ask for candy?!

We’ve been neighbors for awhile now lady; I’ve never once introduced myself or acknowledged your kind polite waves. What makes this okay?!

You’re completely nuts woman! Although your gender natural kid does look cute dressed as the birth control sponge that failed you? Block of cheese? Something yellow with googly eyes and holes?

Fuck next year buy your kid a proper costume instead of trying to be all “Suzy Homemaker.”

Your genetically a-sexual offspring earned that 2 pound bag of Sour Patch Kids for somehow surviving this long with you as a parent.

God damn it. Now I’m awake! And I’m fucking out of Sour Patch Kids.


Jason Elia

I wrote the novella Elliston. Stephen Baldwin once said my words in a movie I wrote. And I'm your Jedi James Dean in flip flops.

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One Response to Halloween

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    October 31, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    You think you have it bad! I bought two bags of Halloween candy, and only a few kids have come to my apartment door, including 4 teenagers!

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