My wife: “Let’s get drunk and screw.”
Me: “OK.”
*gets out beer*
*gets out screws*
*builds deck*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2013
Don’t mess with me. I have a black belt. I bought it at Walmart, and it keeps my pants from falling down while I run away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2013
I was excited about work today because my boss said we have a skeleton crew, but the few people who showed up all have skin. Somebody lied.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2013
When I drink, I become a magician. My first trick is always to make my self-respect disappear.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2013
I typed “slol” because I laughed out loud, but I did it sarcastically.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 5, 2013