Eva Braun
Tuesday, September 5: This morning I think I finally met Mr. Right. I was cleaning the meat rack when he entered the shop and asked me if we had anything in a knockwurst. I lead him to the sausage section and I could feel his eyes on me. We made some small talk as he squeezed the wursts, but he won me over when he said, “Today a knockwurst, tomorrow a kartoffel salade.” I love a man with ambition.
Monday, June 16: Berchtesgarten is lovely this time of year. Tonight the Himmlers will be over for dinner (I do hope Herr Himmler remembers to remove the laundry cardboard from his shirt this time). I was sehr busy making a strudel when Adolf waltzed in and said something about the conquest of France or something. It hurt my feelings that he did not try the strudel, so I pouted all afternoon.
Wednesday, November 3: I don’t know if I will ever get used to Paraguay. Adolf is no help at all and with all the plastic surgery I hardly recognize him. Also, I am having trouble remembering to call him Pedro.
Pharaoh Ramses II
Wednesday, November 4: Bad mood all day. Moses came in and turned his staff into a serpent. Like I’ve never seen anybody do that before.
Tuesday, November 8.: Moses again. What have I done to deserve this nuisance? Haven’t I got enough trouble just trying to get these pyramids to look right? Fine, turn the Nile to blood, see if I care.
November 25: Okay, okay, it was probably just a coincidence. Just because it’s red doesn’t mean we can’t drink it or swim in it. Doing laundry is a little tricky, but so what? My son Ramses III came up with a clever solution — we ignore it. Just proceed with our business as if nothing’s amiss. That kid’s going to make some pharaoh someday!
Monday, December 7: Guess who? This time locusts. I still have a nasty hacking cough from his last little prank.
Tuesday, February 5: Enough is enough. Fine, you want to schlep through the desert, be my guest. Two more weeks and the last of the pyramids would have been finished. But no, he couldn’t wait, he had to go right away. Now I have to chase him all over creation. Ramses IV suggested I take along some boats just in case. Boats! In the desert! What a crazy kid.
St. Luke
Tuesday, April 10,: Supper was superb. Everyone was there — Jesus, Mark, Judas, John — the whole gang. Though humble, the cuisine was truly memorable. I had the fruit cup appetizer and, as usual Luke and Mark shared a Caesar Salad. Jesus had no appetizer as he is trying to watch his weight. For some reason, Judas was moody and picked at his food. Even the wine was excellent — a rare B.C. vintage which was aggressive, but not over-powering. The service was, efficient and courteous, though I pity the poor waiter who had to stand around as we tried to divide up the check between the 12 of us. I was sure Jesus would pick up the tab as he had recently built some bookshelves for a rich Roman patron, but alas he did not
Karl Marx
Monday, November 5: If this keeps up, Engels will surely drive me mad. The man has no class. Today, he suggests that we “liven” up the book with some cartoons. Cartoons! Here I am, attempting to write a serious political tract and this schnook, this imbecile, is only concerned with sales. What am I to do? Yesterday, the buffoon gave me a list of possible titles, including such selections as “How to Make Communism Work for You,” and “Winning Through Totalitarianism!” Tomorrow he plans to go over the text himself and, in his words, “get some exclamation points in.” If that’s not bad enough, he’s also negotiating a book tour of Russia, of all places.
Oedipus
Tuesday, April 8: I cannot stop these fantasies I have about older women. Young girls do nothing for me, but show me an older woman and my blood boils. What am I to do?
Saturday, August 5: I am developing a reputation as a seducer of women. As a result, my friends have taken to calling me “Fast Oeddie.” This afternoon, I joined my friends at the Palace in downtown Thebes, an excellent spot for girl-watching. Not only are the girls nubile, many of them are Nubian as well, and you can’t do better than that.
Monday, November 3: Today there is a great pestilence in the land (So what else is new?) This one involves the Riddle of the Sphinx. Whoever solves it gets to spend the night with the Queen. Am tempted.
Thursday, November 5: Okay, it was a lucky guess, what can I say?
Friday, November 6: The Queen is everything I’ve ever dreamed about and more! Beautiful, sensuous, older. I am deeply in love.
Saturday, November 7: Got the bad news. Am catching 6:00 o’clock chariot to points unknown.