When Dogs Pee on You: Owner Etiquette | HumorOutcasts

When Dogs Pee on You: Owner Etiquette

November 21, 2014
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bulldog

A bulldog peed on me. An amiable little slob, it sniffed at my ankles and the next thing I know, warm seepage on my pant leg. I was dumbstruck. Its owner was horrified.

Just moments ago we were chatting in the sunshine, both on a dog walk with our little loves. Now she stammered profuse apologies. I said, “It’s OK, we’re both dog owners. It happens.”   The owner should have just stopped with sincere apologies, but no.

Here’s what NOT to say when your dog marks territory on a human leg:

“He didn’t mean it. I’m sure he wanted to mark that leaf in front of you but he missed.”

Note to Doggy Psychics: clearly, he needed to label me as his very own. Or he mistook me for a stump. Gee, could I possibly feel worse?  It’s best if we don’t delve into his psyche (or yours).

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t believe this. I’m very sorry! So very sorry!”

Thirty apologies and counting. Look, I did not overhear you say, “Go pee on her! That’s my good boy!” It wasn’t your fault and I know it. However, the hot wetness has turned cold heavy and cold. Please stop blathering so I can make a beeline for my car.

“I am so mortified. I feel terrible! This is so humiliating!”

Do you mean humiliating for you or for me standing here with urine soaked shins? I will never look at my favorite pair of jeans the same way. Do I really have to spend ten minutes making you feel better? Like I said, I need to get to my car.

My two cent theory is that life happens.  Dogs lift their legs and sometimes it’s on you. An observation: the stink of dog pee intensifies exponentially to the number of cars driving past that won’t let you make a left turn into the street.  Do the big brains at MIT have a two cent theory for that?

Suzette Martinez Standring

Greetings from Suzette Martinez Standring! I write humor and lifestyle columns, and since 2007 I’ve been nationally syndicated for my spirituality columns with GateHouse Media, proving that God indeed has a sense of humor. I wrote The Art of Opinion Writing: Insider Secrets from Top Op-Ed Columnists (2014), which is used in university journalism courses, such as Johns Hopkins University. I also wrote The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists (2008). I host a Milton (MA) cable, It’s All Write With Suzette, that features guest authors and columnists. Watch episodes on youtube and vimeo.com My big love is teaching writing workshops nationally, and someday making money from all of this will approach my level of enthusiasm. It’s very high so that’s quite a goal. Nice to meet you!
Email Suzette Standring: suzmar@comcast.net or visit www.readsuzette.com

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5 Responses to When Dogs Pee on You: Owner Etiquette

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    November 22, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    I had a dog pee on me once: a German Shepherd type, if I remember correctly. In my case, I don’t remember the owner apologizing, but I remember the friend who was with me laughing.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    November 22, 2014 at 6:26 am

    This happens to me four times a day and twice at weekends and it’s always on my favorite pair of jeans too. I gotta stop wearing those jeans!

  3. November 21, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    In some cultures this is an honor. I think you become a god or something.

  4. November 21, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    I guess you could have stopped the apologies by saying, “Well, he marked me. I’m yours now.”

  5. November 21, 2014 at 9:04 am

    I can see how this would become a long ride home!



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