Don’t Be Late For Church.. God Will Find You! | HumorOutcasts

Don’t Be Late For Church.. God Will Find You!

January 26, 2017
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By: Andrey

Heading to church?  Ya might wanna check your shoes before ya leave the house!

Last week, I headed to church with my daughter.  I like to get there right on time, or even a few minutes late.  She likes to get there 20 minutes early.  So we split the difference…. I mean… I made her late by getting ready at the last minute.

We got in the car. Drove to the the parking lot. And, as we’re walking from the car, I realized…. I had two distinctly different shoes on! Both slip-on.. but one dressy and black and one sloppy and brown!

We were late for church so we found a spot in the very last pew.  Shortly after settling in, one of the ushers (noticeably an usher because he’s dressed in his best Steelers sweatshirt), tapped me on the shoulder and asked if we could “take up the offertory gifts.”

For you non-Catholics, that’s when, during the middle of the mass, you walk from the back of the church to the front, up the center aisle…with everybody watching…taking the wine and communion hosts and hand them to the priest.

What was I to do? Say no?  So we accepted and we did it.  Mr. One-black-shoe-and-one-brown-shoe walked those Catholic offertory gifts up the long aisle and, then of course, the priest decides we should stand their, before all and chat!!  I could feel the crowd all using their Jagoffestrator apps on their phones pointing to my shoes.

So there ya have it…the standard Catholic-guilt wins again!  I just KNOW that God said, “Ya like running late for church? Have fun showing everyone ya don’t know how to look in a mirror before ya leave the house …and by the way.. you’ve had a booger hanging in your nostril for the last 2 hours too… Ya Jagoff!!!”

John Chamberlin

I write about Jagoffs, i.e. stupid politicians, awful sports officials, dumb criminals, bad drivers, ignorant people and on and on. BTW, Jagoff is NOT a swear word. It can be just as confusing as their, there and they're. Sometimes it's actually used as a term of endearment. My Pittsburgh blog is YaJagoff.com. Twitter is @YaJagoff.

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2 Responses to Don’t Be Late For Church.. God Will Find You!

  1. January 27, 2017 at 8:07 am

    And some people think God doesn’t have a sense of humor…ha.

  2. January 27, 2017 at 1:03 am

    I believe the old saying is, “When God opens a window, people will see you through it.” I’m paraphrasing.



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