Angels | HumorOutcasts

Angels

April 18, 2011
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I watched a show called “Decoding Christianity”, and the subject was “angels”. Seventy five percent of Americans believe in angels. Seriously. Some even converse with them over the internet (not making this up). OK, they believe they are conversing with them over the internet. Then again, there are probably plenty of people calling, um…entertainment lines that think they are talking to a naughty coed, too.

Anyway, it mentioned some biblical references to angels, which, according to translation means “messenger”. Why does God need messengers anyway? Can’t he relay his own messages? A large billboard perhaps? Actually, I have seen some of those. One said “Don’t make me come down there – God”. Maybe he should have created the internet sooner. Standard mail is not as reliable, it takes forever, and the U.S. Postal Service is hemorrhaging money. But I’m thinking something a little more personal.

OK, maybe he didn’t want to freak people out. A flaming, floating God with a voice like James Earl Jones might be scary, but at least it looks official. You start sending people who look like your neighbor…well, how do you know it isn’t your fellow man just scamming you?

The show mentioned Jacob’s Ladder. No, not the cool electric gadget that Frankenstein has in his lab. No, not the trippy Tim Robbins movie. No, not the cheesy Huey Lewis song. Come on, knock it off. The ladder to heaven described in Genesis. Forget the Golden Gate Bridge – That thing had to be a marvel of engineering. But what are the angels doing walking up what would have to be a gigantic ladder anyway? Wouldn’t that take some time? What about their wings? Couldn’t they just fly? Well, apparently angels didn’t get wings until way later (sometime in the Middle Ages) because too many pagan gods had wings. Too confusing. Gotta stay on message.

Apparently the bible mentions that the angels were weeping at the crucifixion. Why were they crying? Things were simply “going as planned.” This makes no sense. This is just like being angry at Judas for betraying Jesus. If he didn’t, and Jesus ended up kicking back at his pad on the Riviera, wouldn’t he be a fraud? And then no one would be able to go around saying that “Jesus died for our sins”. It would be “Jesus was planning on dying for our sins, but then Judas had a change of heart, they split a place at the shore, and now we’re all pretty much screwed”.

This would be like Marty McFly being upset that his mom chose George McFly over him at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance. Sure, she was looking pretty good, but it was his mom, and his sister had already disappeared from the photograph! If you remember, George McFly himself was visited by an angel of sorts.

“Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn’t take Lorraine out that
he’d melt my brain. “

Angel? Or scheming son of yours who has come back from the future to make sure you marry his mom? Sometimes it’s so hard to tell.

Eric Hetvile

Wanted in 14 states. But those states suck, anyway.

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One Response to Angels

  1. April 18, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    You know, I always felt bad for Judas. Sister Virginelle (yes, that was her name) in my grammar school got mad at me when I asked the same question about Judas. My premise was that if Judas didn’t do the betraying, Jesus may have beaten the wrap or never had to stand trial. How come he goes to hell for doing what he was supposed to do? I also think Pontius Pilate is maligned too. He tried to get the people to pick Jesus instead of Barabbas. But they wouldn’t. How is the crucifixion his fault. A lot of misplaced blame I think.



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