More Realistic Country Songs: Blake Shelton’s “God Gave Me You”

I keep hearing country songs from men about how great their women are.
Yet all the country songs from women are about how bad them men are.
Let’s splash some realism on Blake Shelton’s “God Gave Me You”…

I had lots of whisky intake
I was living so free
Was getting with so many women
That it still hurts when I pee

But you stay here right beside me
Just like you’re supposed to
And I need you

God gave me you to bring me my beer
God gave me you so I wouldn’t be queer
For when I need my sex each day
I wanna get some loving and don’t want to pay, it’s true
God gave me you

I still like drinking whiskey
I stink from all my pores
And now you’re getting tired of
Picking up my dirty drawers
I’m so glad you’re mine
I’m so glad I got you
Over all them other whores

God gave me you for a turkey pot pie
Don’t know how to cook and I don’t want to try
For when the toilet backs up all the way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

Zip it now, keep your mouth shut
Don’t you talk when I speak
And when I’m drunk and I slap your face
You turn the other cheek

But now you’re starting to get mouthy
And pull back from my touch
Something’s wrong with you I fear
Why do you hate Jesus so much?

God gave me you to bring me my beer
God gave me you so I wouldn’t be queer
God gave me you for the endless fights
God gave me you for the sexless nights
He’s pointed me down hell’s highway
He’s getting me back cause I never did pray, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

God gave me you like it says in the bible
God gave me you now put down my rifle
God gave me you you’re a vision of Venus
God gave me you keep your knife from my penis
Please don’t hurt me, you’re not supposed
For now gonna sleep with one eye closed, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

He never liked me anyway