It has come to my attention that corporate bigwigs are ruining our country. I know you are shocked; this was a surprise to me too. I just always assumed that CEOs of major corporations were kind, altruistic folk. How disappointing to find out that most of these business tycoons just focus on their own pockets and those of their stockholders. Well, since many of these business leaders care only about the bottom line and are not really concerned about the employees or consumers, I thought it might be a good idea to come up with new rules as to who should run corporate America. I know that my rules might be offensive to some people, but if you examine my logic, I think you might have a tough time disagreeing with me. So, here we go: Who should NEVER be in charge of a corporation:
- Lawyers – Sure, they know corporate law but that is only because they designed the law – to benefit themselves. Lawyers should not be in charge for two reasons: A) Few of them have any morals and B) lawyers contribute nothing to the economy. They produce nothing; they just sit back and take a cut of what everyone else produces. They are essentially the leeches of the world. Do they serve a purpose? Absolutely. They are there to promote greed and make laws that allow corporate bigwigs to get away with what they want. They work hard to give the head honchos of corporate America their power so reward them with the keys to the Mercedes, but don’t give them the corner office and a nameplate that says CEO.
- Accountants—I know what you are saying: these people know money. But that is all they know. Accountants know how to penny pinch and get blood from a stone, but they have no vision whatsoever. I would bet that if an accountant was in charge of Apple when someone presented the iPhone idea, it would have been nixed. Accountants are the ones who come up with the idea of layoffs, tax write offs and toilet paper rationing to office staff. Do accountants serve a purpose? Yes, big time. They keep the CEOs from walking off with the profits. And that is another reason why they can’t be CEOs. They need to watch everyone else and if they are in charge, who will keep an eye on the non-accountants?
- Teachers – Teachers would spend most of the work day picking apart and correcting everyone’s work. Nothing would get done. Like accountants, they are very black and white in personality. “Those who can’t do, teach” might work in a classroom but I am unsure if it would be a good thing for the board room. The positives to having teachers as CEOs: The company bulletin boards would always be decorated nicely for each season of the year and employees who accomplish all their goals would get gold stars. Manners would become part of the everyday work place, and best of all, with teacher CEOs, they might bring back the corporate talent show and invite families and parents to come and watch. Okay, I am re-thinking teachers. I think they have potential as CEOs.
- Finance people – Look what they did to Wall Street, and they are ready and willing to do it again. Sorry, they should be banned from corporate power—at the very least there should be a 10-year probation period of their involvement in any corporate dealings.
- Writers – See you thought I was not going to pick on my own people – well, you are wrong. There are so many reasons why writers should not be CEOs: A) Most writers tip so far left they fall over, and it doesn’t look good for a CEO to be falling down all the time. B) Ok, tipping over could also be the booze many writers enjoy to get the creative juices flowing, and to be honest, I am not sure if alcohol and CEOing mesh well together. C) Writers also have a tendency to hear lots of voices in their heads, and I would think all those extra personalities might interfere with good decision making.
So, if lawyers, accountants, teachers, finance people and writers should NOT run corporations – who should?
- Engineers – Engineers have intelligence and vision. It’s true they lack fashion sense, good haircuts and the ability to speak in public, but that’s okay. They don’t need those skills for corporate power. There are media experts to handle all the image stuff. With engineers in charge, they would hire more American engineers and stop shipping out all our technical work to India and Pakistan. It’s time to stop giving our engineers the shaft. Yes, I am a big fan of this profession, and I believe it is time to pay homage to all those who brought us everything from the Internet (Unless you believe Al Gore is behind this) to battery operated sex toys.
- Marketing people – These pseudo-business types make great corporate leaders if given the chance. While accountants and finance people are dry and non-emotional, marketers are the psychology wizards of the business world. They like to know how people think and they like to please people. They are also great schmoozers. Yes, marketers have that goal-oriented personality that is topped off with just the right amount of bullshit that would make any company a success.
Well, if any company would like to chat about my corporate leader opinions, they can call me. I would be happy to set up a meeting or do lunch. Let’s have a drink, and I promise at least one of my left-leaning writer personalities will be there for a chat. I can’t promise complete sanity, but I can guarantee some fun.