Mario: Welcome back! We’re midway through the talent competition, and things are really heating up! Before the break, Miss Oregon Mom, Julie Banks, left us all speechless and earned perfect 10’s for her stunning talent: breastfeeding twins while talking on the phone and eating a turkey sandwich!
Kathie Lee: I’m still reeling from that last performance. Wow! Next up is Miss Arkansas Mom, Deborah Fowler. Deborah is going to silence a playpen full of twenty hungry, tired two-year-olds with a single look. I don’t believe it! Come on out here, Deborah!
(Cheers and applause.)
Kathie Lee: This stunt has never been attempted on network television before!
(Twenty angry, whimpering, nose-picking toddlers are unveiled center stage. Deborah approaches the playpen, smiling and making eye contact with each child. Dramatic drum roll. Deborah takes a deep breath…and unleashes THE LOOK. Nineteen toddlers immediately stop whining. One blonde, angel-faced diva starts screaming, “I want more Teddy Grahams!” Deborah shoots THE LOOK at the children one more time, but now they all begin rioting for more Teddy Grahams and demanding to see their mommies. Deborah shrugs her shoulders and apologizes to the judges before exiting the stage.)
Kathie Lee: That’s really a shame. Deborah’s been honing THE LOOK for years. She came so close to shushing all twenty toddlers. Boy, it just breaks my heart…
Mario: And the judges are ready with their scores.
(Scattered boos and lukewarm applause greet the judges’ marks: three 6’s, one 7, and one 8.)
Kathie Lee: That’s outrageous! I’m sorry, but I think the judges expect too much.
Mario: Well, I think our judges are doing a great job. We have two more contestants left to perform their amazing mothering talents, and then it’s on to the much-anticipated sweat-suit competition, where these lovely ladies get to strut their stuff in their favorite pair of sweats!
Kathie Lee: Here’s a quick recap, in case you’re just joining us. Miss Kansas Mom, Kelly Simpson, earned big marks by successfully identifying fifty dangerous, recalled toys out of over 500 new toys onstage…
Mario: While blindfolded!
Kathie Lee: I know! That is one amazing lady. It’s like she can smell the lead-based paint! Then we took our cameras outside to watch Miss New Jersey Mom, Sandra Harding, drop off her movie rentals, pick up her daughter at daycare, pick up her son at the library, pick up her dog at the groomer’s, and fix chicken parmesan for dinner—all in under thirty minutes! And she did it all with a gracious smile, which scored her a 10 in “artistic impression” and 9’s from the other four judges.
Mario: Awesome! And don’t forget Miss Florida Mom, Olivia Maurer, who demonstrated her ability to hear a child opening the cookie jar in the kitchen while she was taking a shower upstairs.
Kathie Lee: It’s like the woman has supersonic hearing! I’m sure glad I’m not a judge. I think all of these women deserve to wear the Miss Supermom USA crown.
Mario: Me, too. But there can only be one.
Kathie Lee: And this year’s winner has quite a treat in store for her! A year’s supply of YummySlim Diet Candy, ten brand-new custom-fitted Powerbras, plus a fully-loaded, shiny, tan minivan previously owned by yours truly! Miss Supermom USA is going to love taxiing the kids all over town in this baby, I’m telling ya!
Mario: You know something, Kathie Lee?
Kathie Lee: What, sweetie?
Mario: I recently tried the new strawberry-cheesecake flavored YummySlim Diet Candy, and—wow!—it really knocked my socks off. You’ve gotta try one of these YummySlims!
Kathie Lee: I’m sucking on one right now, Mario!
Mario: I seriously can’t choose a favorite flavor. There’s blueberry-vanilla, white chocolate-raspberry, pumpkin spice, and pomegranate blast. And the more YummySlim Diet Candy I eat, the more calories I burn!
Kathie Lee: You’re right, Mario. That’s because YummySlim Diet Candy is infused with organic sawdust—a proven weight-loss enhancer. And it scrubs the tartar right off your teeth, too!
Mario: Your smile’s never looked brighter, Kathie Lee. And, is it just me, or are you looking even perkier than usual?
Kathie Lee: That’s my new Powerbra! Powerbra lifts my spirits and my boobs! Take it from me, ladies, this bra will boost you like no other. See, the cups are actually filled with ginseng and ginkgo biloba extract. It’s an herbal spa in your bra!
Mario: Fantastic.
Kathie Lee: Coming up, Miss Michigan Mom, Amanda Clark, is going to make two original children’s Halloween costumes out of pillowcases, tube socks, yarn, pipe cleaners, and a magic marker. Sounds like fun! But does she have what it takes to craft her way to the top and claim the Miss Supermom USA crown?
Mario: Stay tuned!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the supermoms I know!
Loved it. I must have missed it on AC too.
I don’t know how I missed this two years ago. This was absolutely OUTSTANDING! I’m going to Facebook this right now (yes Facebook is now a verb).
Very good Maria! I want that bra. Is it at Victoria’s Secret?
Very good! This one should be posted every Mother’s Day!
Thanks for reminding us what super women we are! My mom had “the look,” my husband called it “The Evil Eye.”
OK, so now that you’re publishing your old classics on here, how are the rest of us supposed to get any page views! LOL! Great stuff!
I love this and I don’t know how I missed it at AC. As you might expect, my favorite line is Kathie Lee saying, “I’m sucking on one right now, Mario!” And, btw, I agree with the kids–More Teddy Grahams!