My Very Special Black Friday

Thanksgiving rocks because it means spending quality time with  family and friends, but what makes the day really special is knowing that after the last dish is washed, and the Thanksgiving candles are snuffed out and stored for the year, it’s time for Black Friday.

I have enjoyed some epic Black Fridays, but nothing can compare with this year. Black Friday officially started at 8:00 pm on Thanksgiving, which suited me just fine because I had spent the whole day being thankful and nice and was ready to let my hair down.

Thanksgiving was at my house this year, but by 8:00, things had quieted down enough for me to kick off Black Friday with a few Car Bombs in the barn with my niece. Jennie is in eighth grade, but she looks like a tenth grader and I sensed that she was sick of her annoying parents and needed something to take the edge off before she had to get back in the car with them to go home. We really bonded when I held her hair while she puked into the manure bucket.

After everyone left, I slipped into the basement and checked out some porn, and then played a few hands of online Seven Card Stud. I only play on Black Friday, so I’m not that good, which means I ended up losing a pile of cash, which pissed me off so much that I kind of lost it and slammed the cat’s tail in the door when he needed to go outside for like the twentieth time. His tail looked so retarded all bent up so I wrapped some duct tape around it to straighten it.

On actual Black Friday Friday, I woke up early. The weather was kind of grey, but I didn’t care because I was busy thinking about what the next twelve hours might bring. Since it was officially Black Friday, I skipped brushing my teeth and flushed my used tampon down the toilet instead of putting it in the trash.

I had promised my friend that I would help her get ready for her big Black Friday party, but I realized that I wasn’t in the mood to do that, so I made up some excuse about how my aunt had died. This freed me up to go shopping, so I grabbed my mother’s  checkbook and headed to the malls. My mom died six years ago, but for some reason I still have checks,

I didn’t find much good stuff to buy, but on the way home I decided to treat myself to the tattoo that I had been thinking about and kind of wanting since my first Black Friday. The tattoo I ended up with is really cool and says BLACK FRIDAY 2012 in Gothic looking writing and is centered between the horns of  a grinning red devil. I got it on my calf.

I wasn’t sure if I still had any A & D ointment from my last tattoo, so I stopped at a  CVS and “borrowed” a little dab of antibiotic ointment from the first aid aisle. It was easy to do it without anyone noticing—I just pretended I was tying my shoe. I even remembered to limp, because I had parked in a handicapped space because of my sore calf after the tattoo.

When I was leaving the parking lot, I realized that I had the turkey carcass from Thanksgiving in my trunk, so I detoured around the back of the building and tossed it in the dumpster. I was a little nervous about getting caught, and by mistake I backed into a parked car. The car was a beater and there was no way to know for sure if I the big dent in their bumper was old or new.

My favorite thing about Black Friday is the partying, so on my way home I stopped at the All American Bar for a drink. You’d never notice it because it’s one of those bars with no windows and a few motorcycles, but once you go inside, everybody is super nice and it’s easy to meet people. I didn’t plan on staying until 4:30 but everybody kept buying me rounds so it was hard to leave without being rude.

When I got home, I took a quick nap to try to sober up before heading over to my friend’s party. When I woke up I felt a little bad that I hadn’t helped her out earlier, so I grabbed some saltines, defrosted some salami, and made little sandwich appetizers that I topped with cream cheese and ketchup.

While I was at my friend’s party, I met this lady who had just gotten out of rehab and had to drink selzer. I felt kind of bad for her because everyone else was doing shots and smoking weed and having a good time celebrating on Black Friday, and she couldn’t. I finally convinced her that a shot of 151 wouldn’t be the end of the world, and sure enough, by the end of the night she was looking much happier.

I figured I had done my good deed for the day.