Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
SPORTS TERMS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY
You may have heard the words “Lancing”, “Bondsing” and “Paturno” used on sportscasts and wondered if these words were new to our century. Yes, they are. I’m glad you asked and Silliman on Sports will do our best to help define the new sports words for your enlightenment and amusement. Many of the new words derive from proper names and when possible we’ll trying using them in a sentence.
Elin – to “Elin” someone: The act of slamming a golf iron upside a cheating husband’s head. Sentence: The black eye? My Ol’ Lady listened to the answering machine so when I got home she Elined me.
Blaking – Jumping over a car, named after Clipper ballplayer, Blake Griffin. Sentence: Jason Bourne escaped his pursuers by blaking a Cadillac.
Bondsing – aka “BarryBondsing” is the act of using a supplement to help you hit Huge Giant Homeruns while having a Huge Giant Head.
Hankazoid – Letting your mouth overrule your intellect so that you’re not “Ready for some football?” Sentence: Oh, that George, he opened his mouth and went all Hankazoid.
Paturno – New word with Latin roots: Pa – for being in a Patriarchal position of power and turn – looking away when you could have used your power and O – the shriek of surprise when discovering this word sounds just like a coach’s name. Sentence: We expected more but he went Paturno.
Lancing – The process of making a tiny incision in the skin to insert oxygenated blood. Sentence: That marathoner could have won but he was caught Lancing.
Toke and Stroke – Used in the drug community by stoners who like to pretend they, too, can partake and then, like their hero, take home twenty-two medals. Sentence: Michael Phelps will be on the cover of High Times magazine under the title “Toke and Stroke.”
Scabumping – Sometimes spelled scab-umping. Sentence: When the union referees are on strike the NFL may resort to scabumping.
Tebowing – Power praying position in which head is supported by fist, popularized by NFL quarterback. At the first of the 20th century this position was known as “Rodining.”
EastwoodKnighting – A comedy bit where you talk to a chair and then throw it.
Roethlisbarger – Named after Big Ben, meaning to barge in with your penis to enact a bathroom stall rape, not quite legitimate enough for Todd Akin, into a drunken sports groupie. Sentence: She asked for an autograph but also got Roethlisbargered.
Suhing – The act of foot stomping a prone opponent in the face, named for Ndamukong Suh, who you never want to kid, even in a friendly Johnny Cash way, about him being a boy named Suh.
Humphried – To be dumped by a little big-butted brunette after 72 days of marriage. Named after basketballer Kris Humphries and now applies to all short term celebrity marriages.