Football: The National Firearms League

THE NFL: BIG CHANGES ON TAP 
With the arrests of Aaron Hernandez (Patriots) and Joe Lefeged (Colts) last week a total of 46 NFL players have been arrested or charged with weapons related crimes dating back to 2003.

This is unacceptable. Something needs to change and my first thought is the name. Let’s call the thing the National Firearms League. Might as well let the NRA be another sponsor, NASCAR can’t be its only baby. Give all the players conceal and carry lessons when they come aboard.

Don’t just stop there. While we’re at it, change the names of the teams. Make them firearms appropriate. Well, not every team, of course. The Packers can still be the Packers except now, instead of meat and cheese, they’re packing heat.

The New York Giants become the Glocks. The Patriots become the Pistols. They’ll try to say it’s because of a certain formation Tim Tebow runs, but we know better. The Buffalo Bills becomes the Buffalo Ballistics.  The Super Bowl champs change from Ravens to Bullets. Do you respond “Nevermore?”

The Arizona Cardinals changes to the Arizona Calibers. We even have a new cheer for them: “.22, .38, .45 or bust; We’re armed to teeth ‘cuz you we don’t trust.”

Washington becomes the Washington Revolvers. There, that pesky racist team name thing, solved. Their cheerleaders have holsters. Seattle becomes the Seattle Sixshooters, as a homage to former Washington Husky quarterback, Sonny Sixkiller. The Rams become the Rifles and Kansas City the Chambers.

We’re not stopping here. We’re renaming the whole league of teams if they need name changes. The Colts don’t. Indiana can keep its name. The Cleveland Browns becomes the Cleveland Brownings. The Steelers becomes the Remington Steelers. There’s an old reference for you. The Vikings change to the Minneapolis Bobergs, named after the 9mm built up the road. “Go Bobergs, easy to conceal. You never know where the next play is coming from.”  Do you prefer the Magazines, for Minnie? Let me know.

Chicago will be the Bear Arms. Their cheer: “We got the right. We got the right. Go Bear Arms.”  Cincinnati, which could easily have the biggest number on our arrest list, will be the Cincinnati Cartridges. In Philly, the Eagles are out and the Pump-Actions are in. We replace the Jaguars, down in Jacksonville, with the Jackets. In Miami, cute Dolphins no longer decorate their helmets, instead it’ll be the Miami Muzzles. “Push ‘em back. Push ‘em back. With velocity. Go Muzzles.”

Atlanta had the Falcons, a fierce bird for sure. But now they’ll be Atlanta Ammos. Tennessee has its Titans, which doesn’t really fit. Now, they’ll be the Triggers. If needed, borrow the stuffed horse from the Roy Rogers estate.

Carolina will be Carbines. Tampa Bay will become the Bandoliers. They can keep their pirate ship, just stock it with Bandolier wearing pirates. Houston should have stayed Oilers and not the Texans. We solve that by naming them the Re-Coilers.

The Cowboys become the Clips. The Broncos become the Berettas. The 49ers become the 45ers. That was easy. Oakland is a tough one, another pirate based franchise. We decided to utilize, in naming the team, their city’s most popular weapon – the Oakland Uzis. The Chargers can keep their name. The Jets become the Bayonets, maybe even list their home, instead of New York, Bayonne. I believe it’s closer to the Meadowlands.