In The Middle Of The Night

Hey Brad,

It’s the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. I should go clean out the fridge or twist myself into some yoga poses, but I’m emailing you instead.

How goes the search for Vivian’s birthday present? I think a handbag is better than hockey tickets, if you ever want to have sex again. You just need to choose the right one. It should be attractive, but organizationally sound. Roomy, but with special pockets for lip gloss and tampons. I suggest you start at Macy’s, then move on to Bloomingdale’s. From there you’ll want to hit Liz Claiborne, Ann Taylor, Nine West, Loehmann’s, Neiman Marcus and DSW.

I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, you’ll be fine.

Strike that. You’ll be chum. Give me some dates and I’ll go with you.

I went to the dentist this morning. “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” was on the TV. You know how I know nothing about everything? Well, the planets must have been aligned just so, because I knew one answer after another. This, with my mouth clamped open, suction apparatus under my tongue, and cold water spraying my face. I begged God to let me shout the answers, but he was busy with Paula Deen.

I know life isn’t fair, but being muted seemed way out of bounds.

I’ve been having trouble with my clients lately. I do my best to undermine them, but they keep getting better. Depressives, split personalities, hypochondriacs, flashers: They’re developing self-esteem, coping mechanisms, communication skills. Worse, they’re starting to think for themselves. When they’re ready to leave therapy, it’s getting harder to convince them they’re still sick. I’m telling you, many more professional successes and I’ll be shopping at the dollar store.

I think I’m going to watch TV now. There are a few episodes of “Mystery Diagnosis” I haven’t seen. Last week a guy had a tumor in his eardrum. It was really cool.

Let me know when you want to shop for purses.



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7 thoughts on “In The Middle Of The Night”

  1. It took me several years of marriage before I realized that women could own as many (or more) purses than pairs of shoes! And many purses can hold a shoebox without trying hard! To “transfer” from one purse to another is slightly less involved than moving to a new house.

    1. Thank God you got it, Mike, even if it took you years. You can’t walk around out there without knowing this stuff. And yes, changing bags is serious business. Thanks for the comment!

    2. Well, gee, Mike, you wouldn’t expect us to walk outside wearing a pair of neon green Capri pants without a matching purse, would you?

      And it’s just an absolute necessity to have a bag that will hold not only a Kindle, an iPhone and an iPad, but an assortment of mints, gum, pens (some stolen from work or the bank), notepads, makeup, a bottle of water, a couple of tampons and anything else we might possibly need on a moment’s notice in an emergency.

      You just don’t know.

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