In case you were worried that Shark Week 2013 was going to be boring, think again. Not only does Discovery Channel have a great lineup for the man-eating beasts, but the SyFy Channel is also getting in on the act. Sharknado, another scary-fish-of- the-depths saga, aired in July on SyFy and starting August 2nd, it will also have a limited release in Regal Theaters. If you were not lucky enough to catch Sharknado on the tube, allow me to give you a synopsis.
Los Angeles is under shark attack when a freak hurricane swamps the city and violent waterspouts lift sharks from the ocean and dump them into the middle of Los Angeles where, of course, they wreak havoc on an innocent and unsuspecting population. The film, which I am sure is a shoo-in for multiple award nominations, stars such Hollywood notables as the Ian Ziering, the 90210 guy (who in this flick has the nickname ‘FIN’ – yes, really); John Heard, the Home Alone Dad who last I heard had some kind of anger management/legal issues in real life; Tara Reid, the plastic surgery queen; and of course, the sharks. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb60e-VNAto)
Because of the interest this movie has spawned, a sequel is already in the planning stage with sharks causing chaos in New York City. I am not impressed with this. If you want me to be impressed with a sequel, figure out a way for sharks to get into Kansas and eat people. Now, that plot would take some creativity.
While I was able to view this wildly entertaining flick on SyFy, I think I might go to the theaters too just to see what idiots besides myself would pay for this film. Anyway, if Sharknado is going to make it big in the movie industry and hatch more shark disaster films, I have some ideas that also might work. If any TV producers are looking for a new project, email me. We can do lunch.
Sharkquake: The San Andreas Fault finally splits open and “The Quake” allows great white sharks to escape from a mysterious ocean which until now no one knew existed in the center of the Earth.
Sharkano: Same plot as Sharkquake and Sharknado only in this flick, we have volcanoes as the evil natural disaster. Instead of spewing molten lava, volcanoes all over the world start spewing molten sharks. While I don’t want to give the entire plot away for this flick, know that the humans might win out. Hint: BBQs and shark meat – nice flavor.
Loan Shark Vengeance: This is for those who like gangster flicks. A Great White adapts to living on dry land and becomes an enforcer for the mob and goes after people who don’t pay back money borrowed. However, instead of stalking his prey and chomping down until they die, the Loan Shark Enforcer bites off their knee caps. This film has artistry written all over it. And rumor has it that Joe Pesci is interested in the lead as the shark.
Sharkageddon: Sharks come to earth on a wildly out-of-control planet/comet and it’s up to Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis to intercept them and keep them out of the Earth’s orbit. Of course, Bruce Willis will be eaten, but as he is being devoured, he utters the brave words, “Hey, it’s better to die as shark food in space than to live knowing my family will be shark food on Earth.” A word of warning: get the Kleenex ready with this one. I cry just thinking about this movie.
West Sea Story: Another round of gang violence between the Jets and the Sharks only the head shark, Bernardo, doesn’t come from Puerto Rico anymore.
And I haven’t forgotten “Reality TV” fans. For those who want something a little less bloody and menacing, TLC has decided to bring us Here comes Sharkey Boo Boo which highlights the life of sharks who are addicted to beauty pageants, and still in the production stage is Breaking Waves, a touching drama about a group of sharks who want to leave their traditional family ways and values and venture forth into modern society.