Here are my least-terrible Twitter posts from today:
My mother-in-law said I undercooked the hamburgers. To her, they’re not done until they’re as black as her heart.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2013
A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. That step is telling the kids to shut up. Step 2 is threatening to turn the car around.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2013
In case you doubted Wikipedia as a legitimate source of information, it has an entry for “cockblock.” Your move, Encyclopedia Britannica.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2013
If my wife had a terminal disease that could only be cured by giving me a blow job, she would immediately start shopping for coffins.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013
I can tell by the apathetic look in your eyes that you’re dead inside. I think you’re my soul mate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 19, 2013