Sometimes I wonder why I can’t have nice things. Then I remember I had to look up how to clean gravy off my smartphone. Twice.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013
I hate when closed-minded people don’t take my opinion seriously just because I’m drunk and naked from the waist down.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013
My friend’s computer can run the latest games on the highest settings. Mine starts on fire if I try to use Microsoft Word.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013
Me: “What lives in the woods?” My 3 year old: “Zombies!” She’s a fast learner. Too bad I’m the one teaching her.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013
99% of the advice I give my kids is some form of “You’re fine. Get up.” The other 1% is “Don’t tell your mom this happened.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013